Of Aptly Named Diapers

BEHOLD! SUSU DIAPERS! I must admit, they have a very to-the-point name for their product.

Of Racism and Standardised Abbreviations

We promote racism! Yes we do! This happens everywhere. When I say racism, I don't mean "OMG! You is a Niggah!" type racism, but rather the segregation we face due to our sect, religion, colour, gender and profession.

Case in Point:This is a typical attendance register. Notice how they require to write down the number of Muslims, Urdu, Sindhi, Gujrati, Hindi, Arabic, Persian, Christian, English, and Achoot (or Untouchable)

This is how we promote tolerance. Yay for us!

On another note, today I went to Makro after school. Makro is the shopping mall made for shopkeepers. You need toothpaste? Only packs of 6 available. You need a shampoo? Packs of 6 available.

Anyways, I take pride on the fact that I am an educated individual. Which is probably why, even though I was hungry as hell, I felt revolted by the following signs in the food section:

Behold! An STD Chicken Pizza.

Why would anyone call it an STD Chicken Pizza? Did the Chicken have an STD? How did it get the STD? Was it consensual? All sorts of questions popped in my head! And I stayed hungry!

Argh!! The Attendance Register caught it from the Chicken Pizza!! WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!

Of Mazars and Sindhi Waderas Frandshipping Innocent Girls

Today was fun.

As usual the day started with me going to work and working my ass off. I have been doing the Office Assistant's work for the last two days. What nonsense man! I don't get paid enough to shoulder his burden. And I think he's getting the bucket pretty soon.

So, I spent the entire day running here and there and taking various prints, papering the filing cabinets and all sorts of office work.

Damn tiring. Anyways. I finally got off and came home. I was looking forward to taking Zahra and Ollie to Abdullah Shah's Mazaar. I mean, you haven't lived until you try to go through the hustle and bustle of the Mazaar. Unfortunately they were running a little late.

So, to cover my bases and avoid any future drama I told mum that we planned on going to the Mazaar when they returned. Well, I kinda did avert the Drama. It started at that very moment. YAY! So, yesterday it rained... Big deal. Its not like I am going fishing or scuba-diving.

Late they were, But we did make it.... in a stylish blacked out jeep. Talk about eye catching.

So the Mazaar was nothing amazing. Though I did give them the express tour of the place.

Then we went to where they were staying. And one thing led to another and we ended up harassing this Sindhi person who was bothering Zahra. Well... Not we exactly, Ollie was doing the harassing while we tried not to laugh (and tell him what to say in Urdu). Imagine a solid British accent speaking Urdu, talking about love and second wives, and then swearing at them.

For people with shoddy Imagination Skillz this is what happened in a nutshell.
Ollie: Asalam-Alaikum
Sindhi Wadera: Walaikum Asalam
Ollie: Tum kaun ho?
Sindhi Wadera: Tu bata tu kaun hai
Ollie: Mein Tum sey piyar kerta hoon
Sindhi Wadera: Baba, bata tau sahi tu hai kaun
Ollie: Mein Tum sey piyar kerta hoon
Sindhi Wadera: *sindhi giberish*
Ollie: Kiya tum mujh sey shadi kero gay? Kiya tum meri doosri biwi bano gay?
Sindhi Wadera: *more sindhi giberish with a few sister-based swears*
Ollie: Mein tum sey piyaar kerta hoon (with obvious desperation in his voice)
Sindhi Wadera: *sindhi giberish and tum kaun ho*
Ollie: MADARCHOD!! (he practically yells... and as it's really quiet and we are on the balcony)

~Call Ends~

I wish I had Ollie's appeal to the male gender, cause when I tried to harass him in threatening Japanese, he said I had gone crazy and hung up. =(

I also made a friend of sorts... the Taxi Driver!! YAY!

It was fun! The trip was fun!

Anyways. Really tired right now.

Night!

Of Greedy Treat Hogs

As I've whined before, I had my birthday two days ago. That still doesn't mean that people can force me into giving them a treat! Hell, you just wished me and now you want me to feed you? Greedy much? Give me a bleeding present first. But Nooooooo! Some of the staff has to be ultra greedy and ask for a stinking treat.

Ever since Monday there's been one specific faculty member who is a prime example of the Greedy Treat Hog syndrome. (thoughts are bracketed) *actions are asterisked*

Day 1
Faculty Member: Hello!
Me: Helloooo!
Faculty Member: Happy Birthday *gives me a hug*
Me: Thank You! (Yay! At least he didn't ask for a treat!)
Faculty Member: Aaj tau treat ho jaye!! *big smiles*
Me: (Damn! He can't read my mind, can he?)
Faculty Member: Tau, Aaj phir aap kiya treat dey rahe hain?
Me: Not today, you still need to give me a gift first *huge smile*
Faculty Member: Aap ko wish tau kiya na!
Me: *Walks away*

Day 2
*I enter the school*
Faculty Member: Hello! *Hearty Hand-shake*
Me: Hello! (So far so good)
Faculty Member: Happy Birthday!
Me: Sir, that was yesterday (Great! He can read minds)
Faculty Member: Nehi! mein aap ko remind kerwa raha tha.
Me: (Oh God!) *fake smile* *walks away*

Day 3 (Today)
*I enter the school*
Faculty Member: Happy Birthday!
Me: (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) Sir, Aaj Treat laya hoon!
Faculty Member: *HUGE SMILE - enough to light a thousand rooms* *walks off*
Me: (Huh? What were the odds? Hmmm)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD??

Of Spiderman Endorsing Shoes Unmasked

So we get it. Spider-man's famous. He's practically the family oriented poster-boy Marvel has. Not to mention all the cool merchandise like web-shooters and Spider-bikes (I have NEVER seen spidey have his own bike)

Anyways. Its good to see Bata Shoes jumping on the Spider-man bandwagon.

JUST LOOK AT THIS HORRIBLE TRAVESTY!

They took Spidey's picture from what looks to be the intro of the Animated Series and photoshopped a kids head, and made him wear bright green and purple shoes!! WHAT THE HELL!!

They should DIE!

Of Stupid Pigeons and other Birds

Whoever said that chickens were dumb obviously never encountered pigeons or crows.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

The above question is not nearly as funny or ridiculous or thought provoking or sensual (just had to add that, can't help it... sorry) as:

• "Why did the pigeon slam head first into a wall?"
• "Why did the pigeon, after hearing a loud bang, flew towards the sound rather than away from it
• "Why did the crow land smack in the middle of a busy road?"
• "Why is it that crows will gouge your eyes out, but are afraid to approach a black sock hanging from your TV antenna?"

I think chickens are smarter. They stick to the ground and don't have a tendency to be aerial disasters like their winged companions.

One day not too long ago, I was out for a walk and I was going down this busy road waiting for the traffic to thin so I could cross the road. My only companion was a crow cawing a sorrowful caw. I dunno whether it was suicidal or just crazy but the blasted thing flew and landed smack in the middle of the road. Needless to say, it got pancaked. Why? Why did it have to commit suicide? Wait... That explains the sorrowful cawing.

One fine day I came back home and I banged the gate shut (its been having trouble staying shut). So in my porch, there is a bird feeder - three trays suspended in mid-air, and they are usually filled with sparrows parrots and pigeons. The fat ass pigeons have a habit of sitting in the food and not perching on the edge. Naturally they poop when they get the chance. I can pretty much imagine what they must be thinking:

"Oooo! What yummy rice! Its all Mine! MINE!!"
*menacingly ghooter-gooos at some sparrows*
"Now I shall eat it!!"
* chomp * chomp * chomp * chomp * chomp * chomp * chomp *
"Now that I've had my fill, I'll poop in the tray so no one can eat without being revolted!"
*evil cackle like ghooter-goo!*

.... Wait! My theory makes it sound as if the Pigeons are a diabolically smart species.

Anyways, back to the gate banging (that doesn't sound right)

The bang startled all the birds and they scrambled away from the source of the noise, except one pigeon, who came hurtling towards me like an attention starved dog greeting his master. On the way it had an epiphany and realised that it should be flying away from me, not towards me. How odd! For a moment I had the feeling that I just took part in the most retarded game of "Chicken"

So, in conclusion! CHICKENS ARE SMART! YO!

Of Polluted Beaches and Long Walks

What do you get when you add:
1 Depressed Birthday Lad (Boy's too childish)
1 "Awami" Khayalat wali Larki
1 Imported Britisher who dreams of being a Pathan

I tell you what! A magical evening. Filled with smoke, sand and shady tea.

I am talking about Zahra and Oliver. The reason my evening was so much fun was because they just happen to be fun people. Okay, they came here for their summer vacations. Zahra I know from a community I once was an extremely active member of. Oliver is her friend.

On one hand is Zahra, a typical girl who thinks she can change our country's rampant ways, or at least bring about the start of a revolution. She is the only other person who loves to talk as much as I do. Also her ideas sound extremely ridiculous the first time around, but after the 4th time, they actually make sense. What were the odds of that ever happening.

On the other hand is Ollie. Tall, blonde, gora chitta banda. My first impression of him isn't important. Later I gotto know, that he seems more along the lines of a little kid who had an extreme growth spurt.

*sings* Engro Urea! Engro Urea! (I watched PTV.... why?)

So, I met them at Sea View at 7 ish. If you've been to Karachi, and seen Kothari Parade, you'd realise that its a bitch walking from Park Towers to the Beach if you can't take a shortcut through the huge-ass park! And the park's family only. The guard won't let me though because, surprise I was alone. And I was too decently dressed to pull off my entering-a-mall-on-family-night trick.

Basically, you hang a distance away from the door, looking around impatiently, and pretending to call someone. What you really are doing is looking for a family matched your level of attire (I mean if you are smartly dressed they have to be too, else if you are in shalwar kameez they have to look the part too) As soon as you see such a family, you smile at them, open the door for them and follow them in. That's :Two Birds with One Stone!" The family will think you are really sweet, and the guard will think that it's your family.

On a side note, have any of you noticed how the guards at "Family Only" areas are gender biased? I mean, if you are a single guy, or two guys, they'll give you the look that says volumes on what they think of scum that sees their sister and daughters without an ounce of shame (Ali, they must have met you) But, they'll let two girls go in. No questions asked. What if the girls are equally bad. I mean, I've come across some pretty badmash girls myself. They stare at guys, and drool over them, and all sorts of shit that you would expect sexually deprived guys to be doing when they see girls. What if, for argument's sake, such a scenario takes place in a family only mall

Hafza: Yaar Saba, can't you see all that lovely ass and broad shoulders waiting for us to drool on?
Saba: Hafza, yaar sahi kaha..... Oooooo dekho uss larkey ko?
Hafza: Kis? Woh jo waffles ley raha hai? Mmmmm mein tau ussey waffle per daal ker kahna chahti hoon.
Saba: Huh? Arrey, not him. Ebco key bahir. Look at the spiky hair, the tight tee-shirt, and the amazing ass. Yaar.. uss ney itni tight jeans pehni hain. Woh itna Hot and Chickna lagta hai. Mmmmmm. *licks lips*
* Then they proceed to walk over to the guy, Saba brushes lightly against the guy*
Hafza: *speaking to the air near the guy she's currently walking past... while looking at his ass* Mashallah Mashallah... Nazar-e-baddur!

Now, at Kothari Parade, you don't see well dressed families that often. What you see is Bhurka clad old ladies, chamak-chahllo girls, shalwar-kameez wearing dads, and matching sons. Or the same type of family with the exception of sons. The sons are greasy haired sparkly shirt and tight jeans wearing chiknas. No way in hell am I ever going to pull of being a part of their family. I am not chickna.

So I had to run around the Park's outer perimeter. Finally I reached the beach. Man! They were just sitting there taking in all the fresh air and oil soaked sand. So we got to talking. And with each passing moment I liked these people more and more. Haan true we talked about random stuff. After a while, Ollie did something that erased any doubts I had about him being an Iron-forged Britisher. He ordered some tea from the tea vendor (you know, the guys walking with thermoses and tiny cups, who boil the hell out of the tea leaves and then boil it some more)

We talked about nothing really... well nothing of consequence. I do remember Rickshaws and Brahmans and Buses and other random stuff coming up. While we were talking, this family comes up with the aforementioned chickna sons (4-5 of them) and they wanted to hang around the extremely gora looking guy. A couple we blatantly staring at him, then Zahra, and hopefully me too... It was fun... that sums it up

It was getting late and I had to be home for dinner. So we took a shortcut through the park (Zahra proved to be useful!!! :P)

During our walk through the park I noticed more people staring at Ollie. (you would think they've never seen a white guy before. And I noticed something. The stares were different according to each age group and gender. I have taken the liberty of what I interpret the looks they gave Ollie actually meant (Assuming the people we saw there were typical desi Pakistanis)

Prepubescent Girls: *look of apprehension* Yay.... A gora! Now if only Mum would get me some fries.
Girls who have reached puberty: *smiling look of wonder* OMG! OMG! A gora! Man he's so hot, I should talk to my mother about taking my rishta to his house
Mother: *shy smile* Haye Allah! I should get my daughter married off to him. Wottay hottie, Plus green card bhi aajaye ga!
Grandmother: *scowl* I am not going to accept a wayward Damaad. I want my grand daughter to marry a my saheli's grandson, Raju.

And the males have one typical look: *angry scowl* OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! Its a gora. I so wish I could shake his hand, but he's amreekan and we are supposed to hate amreekans.... What if someone sees me..... Go away! GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY! LEAVE OUR SISTERS ALONE!

So, anyways. After I dropped them to the place they were staying at, I got a rickshaw and told him to take me home. I also told him to hurry as I knew I was getting late. BIG MISTAKE! He took it upon himself to audition for the next installment of "The Fast and The Furious: Rickshaw Chronicles. He zoomed down all sorts of streets and a couple of times it seemed like a stunt where one car is travelling east to west and you are hurtling south to north and the car barely missed your rear bumper as you clear the cross-road. If only he'd put up some Speed Metal instead of those classical movie songs with nasal voices and what not.

All in all. I loved this outing. It had Fun, Romance, Action, Suspense, a Gora and loads of bakk-bakk.

Of First Days and Worse Days

So today was finally the first day of school. Yippee!

See, apparently, a lot of old teachers have been kicked out and the management reshuffled. Thankfully, I am where I was last year.

So, we have a new Principal from Dubai! And she comes off as this really friendly person. Our section lost a few decent teachers and some others too. I am sorry for all of you. We shall miss you... I think.

Anyways. The entire school is under renovation. And the pace is scary. I mean you see painters scraping old paint off the walls, and people running about like someone is out to get them.

Oooo! Did I mention that Bloopkin is still in the computer lab. He stayed there the entire two weeks. Along with a bouquet of flowers that the Lab Assistant got on the last day of school TWO MONTHS AGO! I mean, the first thing I see is of course, Bloopkin still taped to the printer. the second thing is a bunch of dried flowers which look oddly familiar. Turns out that its actually the same bunch of flowers I took retarded pictures with when the Lab Assistant first got them.

Well, some teachers knew it was my birthday so they took it upon themselves to announce it to everyone. Damn them! I hate my birthdays, I hate not getting presents equally. I mean what the fuck? If I wish someone, I give them some amazing looking thing, even if it's crafted from scraps of paper I scavenged from the Art Room (btw, I have more paper in my room than all the Art Rooms in school)

Speaking of which, funny thing, I say school so much that people assume I study there! I mean, if I was to say work, that would sound so much better. But then again, saying school implies that I have my fingers in the oil barrel labeled "Education"

Anyways. So far, everyone has also reminded me that my results are due. I don't care! I am failing. So there!

And now to finish this post...Bloopkin and his friend after 2 months

(L to R: Head's Laptop, Lab Assistant, Bloopkin)

Of Blogger and Bugs

I am quite ticked off. What is the problem with this stupid archiving system. Its broken my June into 2 separate parts. I mean I deleted the archive, and then replaced it. Still no sign. Sheesh!!

Anyhoo. I am pissed because tomorrow I have to go to work. And Because I have 17 posts in the month of June and July. I need a tie breaker. This is the Tie Breaker.

Of Shops

Its the middle of the night, and I finally got over the whole Shift incident. I am so glad the screen has stopped spinning. That was really making me dizzy. The game was so worth it. So if you haven't played it till now, do so.

Anyways. Its the middle of the night, and 31 Hours of freedom left. Then I go back to work.

Okay, so middle of the night... I should be sleeping, right? WRONG! I am up trying to go to sleep. So far, I've managed to down two mugs of Horlicks (I feel all Malt-ey inside) Honestly, if this keeps up, I'm screwed.

You know what does tire me out, sorting my pictures. And incidentally, that is the reason why I am posting right now.

Behold. A Dream Come True

This lil' beauty gives the phrase: "Your Ass is Mine" a whole new meaning! I mean if you want someone's ass, you can legally acquire it as a piece of land. And then you can develop anything on it. A shopping mall, a place to park your car, a house for the poor hobo who lives down the street in a cardboard box. The possibilites are endless.

To all of you braggarts who think that America has the only 7-11 Stores. Suck on this...picture? Anyhoo, its proof that we can have 7-11s too!! Hahaha
I feel really really Malt-ey now. =/