Of How To Deal With People…

…Who Annoy You.

Before I begin this educational tutorial, I would like to clarify something. This post, was solely aimed at those people who are either hypocrites, or promoters of religious violence and hate. The rest of you can carry on what you’re doing and I wouldn’t mind in the slightest.

Since Pseudo-Mullahs annoy me the most. I take it upon myself to mess with their heads whenever I am feeling brilliant enough to do so. Normally however, I don’t bother. If they break through my ignorance threshold I’d swear at them and leave.

One incident was so awesome, that really I have to share it with you guys.

Behold. The generic misguided young priest. This guy is pretty much the kind of person who annoys me to the point where my blood boils. He’d come up and tell you “Eating food with Shias, and Aga-Khanis around is worse than eating with your left hand – It’s written in the Quran”

Bullshit Alert.

You ask him for the exact reference, and he asks for a day to go home and check it. Next day he ignores you until you corner him. Then he says, “Sorry, it wasn’t the Quran, it was the Hadees”

Bullshit Alert.

Ask for a reference and the same thing happens. Vanished for a day, came back, ignored, finally cornered and claimed it was something said by the companions of the Prophet.

Yet, that is a part of his core values, which is just messed up if you ask me.

So one fine day, I was enjoying a smoke and he happened to sit nearby and told me that I should control where I exhaled. Dude, I don’t have control over the wind. Yet, I moved away. He complained again, and this time snatched my cigarette and demolished it under his Peshawari Chappal.

So. Since he was just begging for it. I joined his conversation. Just to see if I could confuse him to the point of shutting him up for a while.

Now keep in mind that most of this is purely bullshit. There is a lot of theoretic physics involved. But that’s it.

Miracle Analysis with Physics – 1

Static Electricity produces an attractive or repulsive force in a circular field around it. A common physics experiment is bringing a negatively charged object to a stream of water. The stream bends towards the object. So if we extrapolate the same principle on a much larger scale. Hazrat Musa’s staff wasn’t magical. Just a giant static conductor amongst other things.

Proof? Well, remember how he walked down the floor of the Red Sea with the water parting in front of him and closing behind him. That gives the impression that it was a circular gap. Hence. Proved.

Miracle Analysis with Physics – 2

Now this is complicated. See, deep space experiments have proven that space and time act like a fabric. Time behaves differently dependant on gravity. Since you (the misguided molvi) can’t give me a credible source to save your life, go read The Brief History of Space and Time by Stephen Hawkings. Anyways, in that book, along with countless other scientists, it is possible to create two holes in the fabric of space and time, connect them, and send matter from one end to another. While mass is travelling from one end to the other, time stops, and all the forces applied to the matter continue to act on it when it exits the wormhole. This is the Wormhole Principle.

There is another principle called Teleportation. What happens is, matter is completely scanned and transmitted between two points at the speed of light. The same way a fax is sent. Only, in order to transmit the object, it is broken down into atoms and then sent. So technically, it doesn’t exist until it’s reassembled. For a living thing that is the same as dying.

Now go think about it. Which miracle does this remind you of? The Night of the Mirage.

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Suffice to say, he has never bothered me after that. Nor has he declared me Wajib-ul-Qatal. I think of this as a public service.

I apologise to anyone whom I may have offended. The apology is limited to my first, and my last religious posts. If anything else offends you, quit reading.

EDIT: A friend I showed this post to posed a hypothetical question. “What if, for the sake of argument, the guy you were messing with asked you how these two Prophets came into possession of such technologically advanced items. How will you prove your theory then?

I just looked at him for a few seconds, and then, rather than give a sound logical argument I gave him this:

If Linux-Loving-Atheists can pull this off, why can’t I?

Of Being Surrounded By Impossible Things

This world runs on fixed patterns. You might call it physics or the will of God.

Imagine waking up looking down at your bed. Yeah, you’re on your roof, looking at the world upside down. That’s probably going to freak you out right?

In my experience, electronics end up defying the laws of physics more often that people would like.

For someone as obsessive about his gadgets as I am, this gets a bit harrowing after a while.

In layman terms, a bottle of water cannot contain more than it’s designed capacity. No matter how hard you try you cannot fill a one litre bottle with two litres. At least not in anyway where the water would be useable.

My laptop’s battery broke the laws of physics governing capacity. Observe.

For the layman, the battery should have 5200 units of energy, which would last you 2 hours with normal usage. For some reason, it ended up having 60K more than it should. And going by the new capacity it’s supposed to last for nearly an entire day. It lasts for 15 minutes total.

Well, technically, I am to blame for that. A while back it died. No charge whatsoever. So I did what any self-respecting tech head would do. I mucked around until I could get it to work. Mucking around also involved stabbing it’s contacts with a knife at one point.

Today, my phone’s memory card was giving me problems. So, took it out, plugged it into a reader and checked the specs. I don’t even know how to explain what I saw. So I took a screenshot (and decided to do a blog post about it.)

Yeah. The entire card is a 4GB one. However, just the pictures tat 74 freaking gigs.

This laptop should never have worked. Yet it stayed with me, tolerating my antics for the better part of 2 years.

You know, I think we should have a Zubaida Aapa for Gadgets. Can you imagine how simple life would be if she started giving tech help?

“Agar aap ka computer neeli screen dekha ker band ho jaye, to side ka cover utar ke ek chota panka laga dein aur phir chalaien, Neeli screen nehi aaye gi!”

“Agar aap ki kisi bhi cheez ki rechargeable battery charge na ho, to usko ek theli mein band kerke do ghanton ke leay freeze kerein. Freezer se nikalne ke baad usko room temperature pe aane dein, aur charge kerein. Aap ki battery chal parey gi!”

(I bet most of you read it in her voice didn’t you?)