Of Helment Cat

My cat gets really annoying at times. Really really annoying.

Of Billowing Clouds and Dust Bunnies.

Recently I started smoking again. Not a big deal you may say. I was matter of fact, clean for a whole freaking 5 years.

Well, firstly, I get bored by one brand pretty quickly. Hence my "bedsheet of fame" up there. Secondly, my folk found out about it.

Since the way they found out about it was amusing, I decided to do a post on this.

Yes I am self-centered.

Notice the carefully arranged boxes. There is a small box in the foreground. That stupid thing was the cause of the cat getting out of the bag.

Have you ever tried to keep a cat in a bag? I did once and the results were interesting. Cats don't like staying in bags. They jump out as soon as you put them in the bag. So, one must wonder, who the hell came up with this weird analogy?

Lets try that again.

That one stupid box was the one that spilled the beans.

Have you tried to spill a can of baked beans? I accidentally dropped an open can of Heinz's on the counter, that I just finished opening. Hardly two or three beans came out. Another weird analogy.

Someone in Uni told me how despite it's cheap price and butt ugly packaging, Capstain was a good brand. So, I being ever curious, decided to try it.

I remember smoking at midnight, an hour and half later I came down for water. Mum was up. Came to the kitchen to investigate what the racket was all about. 6 feet away, and her eyes narrowed into slits.

*sniff* *sniff*

"Cigarette pi hai?.....disgusting"

And she left. My mum could give Wolverine a run for his money.

So, come morning and mum refused to talk to me for the next week. When she did however start talking, the first thing she did was give me a pack of Gold Leaf (that she confisicated from my room a year ago, that I nicked off a uni friend of mine) Yeah. She gave me a year old pack of Gold Leaf. I have been handing out those old stale cigarettes to uni mates all day long. Hopefully that will deter them from begging for smokes.

My mum confuses me.

Of The Independence Day

Let me start off by telling anyone who is hoping for a review of the awesome Will Smith movie: “Here there be no aliens”

Today marks the 64th year of independence for Pakistan. 64 years of freedom. And every year, the same scenario takes place.

Right off the bat, at midnight, everyone in Karachi goes bat-shit insane! We have fireworks, drunken teenagers screaming and speeding down dark and deserted roads, gun-toting maniacs emptying their munitions into the air (which later falls back down with the gentle pitter-patter of pointy, hailstones – and we don’t have hailstones in Karachi)

At Sehri, I turned on the telly to hopefully catch a good movie. All I saw was religious banter, and the occasional patriotic song. One song in particular caught my attention. Or rather, one verse of that song.

“Chaand Meri Zameen, Phool Mera Watan”

Literally it means “Moon, my Land. Flower my Country”

Then I slept.

A recurring nightmare later, I woke up, and the logic was never clearer.

Due to some trans-dimensional rift in the fabric of our universe, we poor Pakistanis are not on Earth.

We are in fact on the moon. See, here’s where the song’s verse’s first half actually makes sense.

1. The Moon, has no water. Neither do we.
2. The Moon, has no electricity. Neither do we.
3. The Moon, has no gas. Neither do we.

We are definitely on the moon.

So we really can’t blame KESC, WAPDA, SUI or ZARDARI for any of our problems. It’s all about location, location, location.

We do however have one thing to be proud of.

Exactly….

Of Being Older Than Ever Before.

So, on Thursday I turned 23. Yippee.

Usually I am not one to celebrate said day since it tends to suck. But as luck would have it, one promise and events in the year gone by have made me realize that I was being stupid.

Made a promise to a friend who, if keeps up her antics won’t be in my circle for very long.

And as for the events, I live in Karachi. So I know how scary it is. Almost all the buses I usually travel in, I’ve seen two versions of. The okay and the extra toasty version. Nearly been run over more times than I can count, and generally evaded death like a good Pakistani should.

All this evasion of death has made me realize that I should celebrate having successfully completed a year in our awesome country.

Now, the day. Thursday was okay. I was expecting promise friend to call at midnight because that’s been our thing for the longest while. Guy from university calls instead. A few random wishes. Still no promise friend call. or text. or IM. or Facebook. or Google+ or any sort of wish. This pisses me off.

As for the presents. I didn’t get anything except an ear shattering argument, my university friends milking out all my dough, and meeting Shani. I did get a cake in the mail from a friend I haven’t talked to in the longest while. Which is funny really. Best Friend totally ignores the day, random person I haven’t spoken to in 3 years sends me a cake.

Oh well. Lets see if I can stay alive till 24. 

Of The Most Idiotic Rule Thus-far

With 90% of the male population being smokers, do you really think the tree is big enough?

Of My Greatest Flaw - Sort Of.

I hold a grudge. I honestly am not a very forgiving person.

That said I won't be able to forgive you if you don't give me a reason to.

Because I know of this flaw of mine if you truly mean anything to me, I'll keep giving you chances. But the longer you piss me off the harder it gets.

So if you've done something horrible and I ask you to do something for me, however simple. Please do not take it lightly. I'd rather have you in my life than hate you for the rest of it.

Technically this post is just for one person, who doesn't even visit this blog. So for all intents and purposes, this is a pointless post.

The rest of you, my faceless readers, don't have the presence necessary that this post apply to you.

Also. Today is a day of silence. In honor of a friend who is no longer with us.

Of My Friends

Sound off if any of you ever lost a friend.

Even after losing so many of them, most of whom I was exceptionally close to, it still hurts.

I don't mind it when distance ends up being the factor. Or when life gets too hectic that we are no longer there for each other like we used to be. I admit it that it hurts like hell, but that's life.

However, I don't like it when we fall apart due to some stupid reason. Forgive and forget? I really hope that is possible even now. You guys, the people I call my friends, aren't just that. You are more.

You are like my family.

You are my family.

Whether you are assholes, or gluttons, or stuck up, or even retarded. I am proud to know each and every one of you. I love you all with all my heart. The reason for my being is because of you.

Being alone scares me. Losing one of you is like having a part of me amputated. And I'll do everything I can, no matter how disgraceful it may be, to keep us together for as long as time allows us. So fuck pride. I have no use for pride if I am all alone at the end.

I want us to grow old together, to be the uncle to your bratty kids, to tell people stories of how much fun we used to have.

I can be unbearable at times, but that should be no reason for us to fall apart.

I love you all.

Of Chichora Self-Portraits

Never give your cellphone to your friends to goof off with. It's a good thing that all my private stuff is well hidden and password locked.

Still that won't stop these people from taking sleazy self-portraits all in the name of checking out the cell's "camera result"

Excuses. Excuses.

This post does not deserve a title. I just had the worst weekend possible. You know the whole soul crushing bonanzas.

I was looking forward to something fun to watch. Everything I watch/read regularly is on break. WTF.

Uni starts next week, something I really am not looking forward to.

Now how the hell would anyone want to write in such conditions.

Random String of Numbers: 49 32 77 69 6C 6C 32 61 6C 77 61 79 73 32 6C 6F 76 65 32 79 6F 75 2C 48 69 6D 65 2E

Old Spice!

Of 27.28.4

You know how some people get their brilliant ideas while in the loo? I get mine when I talk to you. I even came up with this analogy while we were talking last night.

Of Things You Don’t Want To See

While Handling Acid with your Bare Hands

Where the heck did the white power come from.

Of 27.28.3

Name this object correctly in Urdu and English and never again will i flaunt my linguistic superiority in front of you

(i.e. I won’t make fun of you when you say something really stupid)

(Hint: Look Carefully) 

Of My Awesome Webcam (R.I.P.)

People, hailing from the land of Skype (map can be found here) often ask me to turn on my webcam. Not because they’re interested in seeing the person they’re talking to, but rather to confirm I am really a 15 year old blonde Eurasian girl who’s like, totally new to the net and stuff.

For the last year and half, I’ve been using an awesome Creative PC-CAM 900

She’s a beauty isn’t she? It is a multi-purpose cam that had been discontinued for a couple years now. Hence I got it for cheap.

Turns out it was discontinued for a reason. It is terribly glitchy. You literally have to play Dance Dance Revolution on the selector keys just to take a decent picture. So naturally I stuck to the webcam thingy.

First the selection knob gave out. It came down to a point where the slightest pressure would change modes. Scotch Tape to the rescue! Then the USB jack got loose.

So naturally it was time to open it up. This, I did last august.

Since then, I’ve been using it in the following condition, fixed to a Pringle’s can, weighed down with coins. Sadly by the time I got the idea of making a post for this, I’d been trying to fix the camera for a week so you, dear reader, won’t get to see it in it’s natural environment. Sorry.

 

The actual camera. The lens is like a knob. You have to turn it for it to focus properly. How old school yeah?

 

That little bit of copper wire is what kept my awesome camera permanently in webcam mode. Don’t worry, it’s jammed in there, with superglue sealing it in place.

Did anyone notice that the Batsignal is poorly designed? How do you call Batman during the day? Do you dial 1-800-BATMAN?

Of The Most Awesomest Prank Evar!

So, I had a brainstorm today.

Ingredients:

• Administrator Access to the computer lab PCs.
• WallpaperSlideShow or similar program that automatically changes the wallpaper after a certain time. Windows 7 already has this.
• Know-how to take screenshots.
• Flash drive to store a few images in.

Fortunately, our engineering department uses certain software that refuse to work on a multi-user environment so admin access is naturally granted to everyone. This however means each system has a plethora of viruses. Certain are smart enough to make you smile. Like this one I got infected with yesterday. It creates duplicate copies of your USB contents, hides the originals and turns the copies into viruses. That way when you try to open a folder it spreads…

Sorry, got sidetracked.

Step 1. Get Admin Access. Check.

Step 2. Take a screenshot of the desktop. Make sure you:

1. Close all bubbles, error messages, and random shit.
2. Place the Recycle bin in the lower right corner.

Step 3. Save screenshot in a folder in your USB.

Step 4. Repeat Step 2 and 3 for at least a dozen times, on various computers.

Step 5. Select everything on the desktop and delete it/hide it/throw it into a random folder. My Documents and My computer need to be removed from the Start Menu. Right Click on their respective entries and uncheck the “Show on Desktop” box.

Step 6. Copy the folder of screenshots on your USB to My Documents\My Pictures\

Step 7.  Time to create havoc. Install WallpaperSlideShow on PC.

Step 8. WallpaperSlideShow will ask you which folder to use as source. Show it your screenshot folder.

Step 9. Right Click the screenshot folder and hide it.

Step 10. Set the wallpaper change time to something random like 27. Make sure it’s long enough to trigger once per session.

Step 11. Create a shortcut for WallpaperSlideShow and throw it into Start\All Programs\Startup.

Step 12. “Infect” a few more computers by following step 5-11.

Step 13. Sit on an uninfected PC and watch chaos unfold.

So there you have it. I know when you read it, it sounds long and risky. It’s actually quick enough to get done with it in 3 minutes tops. Helps if you have minions or equally insane friends.

Of Awesome in Meaningless

You’ve all, at one point or the other, lied down on your backs and looked up at the sky. Now, if it were cloudy you’d engage in a timeless activity of making sense of cloud formations. This is something like it…

Doesn’t this look like a wolf howling at the moon/bouncing a ball on it’s head? AWESOME isn’t it?

Of 27.28.2

Yeah, I’d write something here. Fact is, I’ve already written it.

Just hope this guy seems more reliable than he looks.

Of Ringa, Ringa . . . Electron

SEE or Students Engineering Exhibition is a huge event made by the students for the students of my uni.

I was tasked with making an electron model. . . basically the SEE’11 logo.

• Took me a week.
• Took me 14 sheets of green chart paper.
• Took me 3 sheets of light blue chart paper.
• Took me 6 sheets of dark blue chart paper.
• Took me one entire reel of super nylon string (even an elephant can’t break it).
• Took me 3 large rolls of scotch tape.
• Took me one large roll of double tape.
• Took me one sheet of Styrofoam.
• Took me one giant tube of UHU glue
• Took me 4 tubes of super glue (even drank a few drops by accident – tongue still feels strange)

But it’s done. And it’s falling apart. FML

Picture time:

 

Now I will go sleep. Big day tomorrow (SEE day – 1)

By the way, the logo’s 5 feet in diameter.

Of 27.28.1

The following post might deviate from the usual pattern in the sense I’ll be publicly referring to one person.

Today is a special day. I’ve tried hinting it for a while now, and you’ve been oblivious.

Honestly, my memory for dates is scary. Yet, I sucked at history. It was so boring. It was just people with long ass names fighting to get Zardari in power. If American history has been shaped by the Illuminati from the shadows, ours was being shaped by the Agarbatti. True, doesn’t sound that dramatic, but makes sense why we suck as a country after fighting for it so passionately. Personally, we’re a bunch of jazbati people with too much free time

Sorry, getting side-tracked.

On, the second of February 2010, we patched things up for the last (and hopefully final) time. We’ve had so many fights over the years that (as an outsider’s point of view) it’s better if we keep our distance. Maybe it’s because they end up being so . . . ‘explosive’ as you put it.

Lions roar, deal with it, Outsider.

So what if we fight? We get along so bloody well otherwise. We always have. And whenever we do end up fighting our misguided wars on terror, we come out of it as better people when the dust settles. We learn lessons and figure out or mistakes. Something certain politicians could learn from us

I love having you as my friend. My closest friend to be precise.

Not that I need a reason to celebrate on specific dates, since your memory ensures I can get away with making any date important. Not to mention that I will ever be caught saying a cheesy line like, “With you, every day is special” (Makes you sound like the tea-creamer ‘Everyday’)

Tarang hi Tarang hai! Yehi Chai ka asli rang hai!

You do make every day special. I love you for it. I am able to survive just about everything with you around. I mean, if I were Anne Frank and you were my friend back then, I’d purposely get caught so I could face Hitler, and punch his windpipe in. Not that my other friends (I just realized that you aren’t the only one who gets my blog-posts directly to their inbox) are totally useless. You just end up shining like an LED torch to their incandescent bulbs (LEDs are energy efficient and bright . . . incase the point went over your head)

So as I was saying. If there is any proof, it’s in the 365 or so days I spent in a relative state of bliss. It’s in the prizes I won. It’s in the people I whipped. It’s in the amount of shit I’ve been able to handle now. All, again, because of you.

As for why I wanted to read your writing (which I haven’t completed yet – will soon) It’s because a friend of mine stated once, that my style lacked emotion. It was one wave of sarcasm and cynicism.

“Oh yay, another Tsunami” yelled the people of Bangladesh, sarcastically

So, I am spicing things up

“Aab nazareen, jab salan ubalney lage to uss mein do teaspoons kutta zeera, aur aadhi botal lal mirch daal ker dum per rakh dein.”

I can go on rambling how awesome you are (I can also keep randomly rambling – a redundant statement that makes absolute sense here). But your ego is like an inflatable hippo and each paragraph is like pumping more air in it. Kidding.

Truth is, You’ve been so awesome that I don’t mind telling the mindless masses, and the minions who somehow stumbled on to this page about your awesomeness. Remember those testimonial thingys on orkut. Imagine this to be one of them. Without the annoying word count.

This is me, telling my best friend how much she means to me, how much I love her. And how big an idiot she is (which still needs to be addressed, publicly or privately is up to you – won’t be humiliating, I think.)

There you have it.

Side Note:- All ideas are copyrighted. This includes the Agarbatti concept, Badass Anne Frank and my appreciation for my friend.

Of “Bus Bhi Ker Do . . Yaaar”

Public transportation is a wonderful thing. I’ve been suffering from a writer’s block for ages. Well, more like a sprained wrist, a hormonal, prissy, temper-tantrum throwing bride-groom living in my room, and exam stress to write.

I’ve missed writing. And now that I’m finally free for the last week or so, I discover that I lost the will to write. So I opted to go for my super-duper-secret cure to end my writer’s block

Sadly, this time my cure ended up depressing me. Sure it gave me an idea for a new post (which – lets be honest – will just stay an idea, considering how lazy I am) but, I can’t write when I’m sad. So I waited for inspiration to hit. And it did. It hit me like a Bus

Yesterday, Hime was travelling from Philadelphia to Boston on a bus. She’s never travelled on a desi bus. And considering the recent deadly experiences I’ve had with the local bus system I thought why not do a serious and factual (right) comparative analysis of the American bus system and the Pakistani deathtrap bus system.

I was not paid by either a Pakistani contractor or the Megabus Corp.

The Two Contenders

Megabus

Desi Bus

Embarking / Disembarking

How Disabled People are Handled

The bus stops, the doorway drops down and wheelchair dude(tte) gets wheeled in.

Bus stops, three people get out, throw the wheelchair dude on the roof, one guy follows him and ties the chair to the roof. This is pure speculation… could be possible who knows?

Bus Fare

Exact change or a Bus Pass needed.

You can hand the conductor a thousand rupee note for a ten rupee fare, and when you’ll disembark (jump-off) five minutes later, he’ll have your change.

Bus Capacity

Bus is either at full capacity or less than full capacity.

The concept of capacity was never explained to the drivers or conductors. Also, if you zoom in you’ll see a purple man and a purple dotted route. That’s the conductor and his fare collecting route.

The Drive-By

Busses obey speed limits and are generally slow moving. We’re talking about real world here, not a movie or Crazy Taxi

The Pakistani version of the drive by consists of being splashed by water (usually from an overflowing man-hole near by) and various fluid being thrown out of the window. If a fleet of busses is about to pass you, expect to be tarred and feathered with random fluid, followed by a fine coating of betel nut, wrappers, and ash.

The Meaning of “Turbulence”

Yeah, I added some stuff. . .

Of Another Happy New Year

Last year was amazing, and annoying.

• I started Engineering.
• I got really really sad considering the type of people I had to deal with on a daily basis.
• I found my soul mate (again).
• I made a ton of minions.
• I discovered the wonders of the electronics market.
• I found a cash flow.
• I won the First Semester Hardware Competition.
• I managed to land a 3.0 GPA.
• I survived numerous bus accidents.
• I drowned myself in work.
• I pissed off more people than I can care to count.
• I drowned in work.
• I had to “volunteer” with my cousin’s wedding (ungrateful asshole).
• I won the Second Semester Hardware Competition.
• I got super-sick during exam season (viral and inflicted)

And now I’m here.

I won’t made a New Years resolution., simply because it’s nothing more than a list of things you won’t do.

I learnt a few important lessons this year though.

• The company you surround yourself with affects your studies.
• Two types of pains are the worst. Heartburn and Ulcers.
• People are assholes.
• I am not as big of an asshole as I thought.
• If I show my true self to anyone in Uni, I’m just asking for trouble.
• Daily I feel a bit of me die thanks to the stupidity I surround myself with.
• I truly love both of the cats in my life.
• Stress will probably kill me.
• Doctor Who is awesome.
• One Piece is still awesome.

So that’s it for now. I can’t think of anything else right now.