Of My Greatest Foe –Thus far

Old houses, specifically those built on reclaimed land, have a problem. Cracks.

When it rains these cracks have a bad habit of allowing water in. Which in turn soaks anything standing flush against the wall.

Chipboard is a poor-man’s plank of wood. It’s made from wood waste like the bark and shavings and whatever; finely chopped, soaked in water followed by squeezing all the water out of the paste, giving you a sheet of reasonably priced wood.

Now due to the process, chipboard loves water. It acts like a sponge; soaking water and inflating to disfiguring proportions.

Which is exactly what happened with my Nani’s (Maternal-Grandma) cupboard.

A couple of days after a particularly wet day, I noticed a huge bulge in her cupboard. It was big enough that the paint covering the wood had split apart.

 

Doesn’t look like much at a glance. However, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to knock on it.

That is where my nightmare truly began.

(And in hindsight, so does this story)

It was a living, breathing, throbbing, pulsating hive of termites. Imagine the scariest sounding insects buzzing when you get near the piece of wood (like they can sense you being there)

Usually I leave these tasks for dad to handle in his unique stumbling way. Yet, considering how I got my ass handed to me a week prior to this event, I would rather cover myself in pesticide and run headfirst into the cupboard than ask Dad for help.

So a day of research, 3 litres of kerosene, a litre of termite killer, a bunch of latex gloves, some surgical masks and a hammer later, I was ready.

My mum gave me specific instructions: Remove only what is necessary. We can’t afford a new cupboard

So began my week of tearing down the cupboard.

1. Take a small chunk out.
2. Spray exposed wood with pesticide mix, liberally.
3. Wait for termites to stop squirming.
4. Go to step 1.

Tearing the wall down bit by bit was annoying. I ended up displaying some more of my infinite wisdom. I started checking which areas were hollow by shoving a small screw driver in with force.

On one such occasion, I might have used excessive force and lo behold, the entire roof fell on my head.

Don’t worry, the wood was pretty much gone, with only about a billion tiny termite larvae in my hair, down my shirt, biting the crap out of me.

Dousing myself in kerosene seemed like a good idea. Followed by a scalding hot shower for an hour.

Finally lost my temper, and armed with the biggest hammer I could find, I tore down the entire cupboard.

Only things salvaged from the cupboard were the front doors, a shelf and the rod used to hang hangers on.

Now for the lesson this teaches us.

NEVER EVER GET CHIPBOARD FURNITURE

See, wood waste used to make chipboard usually contains termite eggs. These eggs need a humid environment to hatch and wreak havoc. Lasani is less prone to getting infested due to the chemical treatment it undergoes.

Thanks for reading this drivel. Termites are not your friends. I am scared of being infested by termites now. Pointless, I know.