Of Emergency Rooms and Ultrasounds

Yesterday, dearest dad of mine (note sarcasm here – it’s crucial to this post that you note the sarcasm) decided to get sick. Violently sick.

Now, any doctor can tell you that in this heat, and economic recession, it is best if one eats home cooked meals. Meals given by cart vendors are unhygienic to say the least. Food spoils before you can say “Faluda”

The funny thing is. My dad is a doctor himself.

So dad ate some weird kerelas and got ill. His entire digestive system got fucked up. Finally he couldn’t take it and asked Mum to drive him to the emergency room in PNS Shifa.

Now mum doesn’t like to drive alone at night, so naturally, I got dragged along.

We went in at 10pm. Blood tests, ECG and and a battery of other tests were conducted. Finally we had to take him to the other end of the hospital for an ultrasound. Since they gave him a strong painkiller, he was quite delirious. Hence, I got to push him around in a wheelchair.

Let me tell you. I hate it when people in wheelchairs randomly stick their arm out for no particular reason. If you want me to turn left, say so. Don’t stick your hand out in the air. Especially in doorframes.

So, the ultrasound department was down a slope. Me and mum were contemplating on letting the wheelchair go and let dad find his way down himself.

We controlled ourselves. Woke up the ultrasound attendant, and got his ultrasound taken.

Now, being a naturally curious person, I decided to check what the hell showed up on the monitors.

It was 1am, I was tired, and sleepy and hungry and headed towards nicotine withdrawal.

Suddenly, this popped up on the monitors. Right next to the liver was this dancing abomination. I have no idea what it was, but damn it was funny as hell. Apparently the doctor in charge felt that the dancing abomination was important so she took a picture of it.

And here’s the picture.

If anyone has any idea what the hell this is, kindly let me know.

Of Careful Observations

What is the Pakistani population’s favourite pastime? Sports? Gossip? Debates about Ninjas and Pirates?

No. Their favourite pastime is to over-analyse stuff and discover conspiracies. Conspiracies that have no logical proof.

A samosa is a triangle, OMG it’s the Illuminati trying to take over our freedom.

That car has 666 in it’s number-plate. It’s the devil’s doing. Lets burn it.

Now as with any political campaign, there will be mudslingers by the opposition. The following picture, started out as a joke apparently by some PTI supporter, but in 3 days, has morphed into something damaging.

Yeah. Let’s all over-analyse a simple hand-gesture and go bat-shit crazy that Imran Khan supports the Illuminati. Well, two can play at that game.

I recently saw a PPP sticker-poster-thingy for their campaign. Since I was without my phone or camera at that time, I never got a chance to take the picture. Nor did the PPP Peeps bother to put it up on the internet for me to find. So I’ll replicate it here.

I asked Furree Katt, who by the way is an excellent blogger, a pretty decent artist, a cat lover, and a fellow cat-food connoisseur. You should really check out her blog AFTER you’ve finished reading this post.

In case your technological ineptitude somehow manages to lead you to a random blog, cross-check the header with this picture. If different, click on this picture.

So anyways, I asked Furree to draw me a rendition of the sticker-poster-thingy. Now this is an exact, albeit cartoonish replica of the original sans text. 

Looks innocent enough. You are wrong. Observe.

Look at Bilawal’s aggressive pose. The raised fist, the angry expression, the blood thirsty look in his beady bespectacled eyes.

Look at Benazir’s happy face, her friendly demeanour, her victory pose.

---

 

Now look at all those things combined. Bilawal is angry, borderline violent. Benazir was winning. The arrow points at Benazir. The trajectory of the arrow is at her head. Substitute the arrow for a bullet, and what do you get?

Bilawal is responsible for Benazir’s murder. Not the incompetent Zardari.

Do I hear you say “Imo, it’s all bullshit. You can’t expect us to believe that”

Well, unlike you, I have a magical dust that turns bullshit into sound logical arguments. It’s called shut-your-face-and-keep-reading.

While I was scouring the interweb, look at what I found.

Which looks a lot like this

Hence:

“Kids, this the story of…

This is merely satire. No need to get your zaarbans and elastics in a bunch.

Of The First Unmentionable

Didn’t anyone ever tell you there are two topics on this planet that you must never ever mention in civilised public. If you’re smart; if you value your continued existence; if you have any hope of seeing tomorrow; there are two topics you must never ever discuss.

“And what would those be?” Do I hear you ask?

Politics and Religion.

I need to be dramatic. People just don’t get it. Everyone has their own opinions. For this post, we’ll be focusing on politics.

See, a week or so ago, this country experienced a democratic election. Now while that is pleasant to read about, it’s was a totally different event in reality.

You are all familiar with the poll rigging. Since I am from Karachi, my experience with voting was an extremely tiring one. Our polling station never opened. It was supposed to open at 1pm after the delays, then 5pm, then 7pm. Finally I made my sixth round at 8pm, in the hopes that maybe I would finally finish my civil obligation.

I reached the place and guess what, no one was there. I mean have you ever been to a desert? Or Phase VIII? Same thing, yet, the MQM representatives standing near it kept on insisting that voting took place at 1pm and carried on till 7pm.

Right. I totally believe you shits.

Now lets move on to our resident mafia, MQM. Their supporters and bandwagon-ers just don’t seem to understand how a staggering majority of the educated youth of our nation don’t support that political party.

Raise your hands if you know an MQM supporter from our generation (i.e. falling between the ages of 15-25)

Now if said friend is temperamental, puts up display pictures of him carrying firearms, talks about his unit, or brags about what a hardcore bhai he is. Raise your other hand if you agree to at least one of these points.

You look stupid with both hands raised. You just surrendered to this blog. Also, since I can’t see you raising your hands (and thus attaining a level of voyeur that I haven’t reached – or rather would not want to dream of reaching… ever! It’s like chatroulette and omeggle all over again.)

Anyways. Sorry, got distracted. Since I can’t see you raising your hands, I’ll assume you did.

That is what I am talking about. For us, for the “future of Pakistan”, MQM supporters are thugs. That is our perception. We have been brought up with stories of how MQM suspended a paper in Sir Syed, or practically shut down the city because someone died.

Fine, I agree that when MQM was founded, it was for a good cause, but everywhere you look, you’ll see a glaring reminder that power corrupts. The ones in charge of everything are the ones that stray from the path first.

So back to my voting experience. Our sector got a re-poll. And the turnout was pathetic. This little fact made certain MQM supporters I know really happy. So happy that the thought rubbing it in my face would be the best option. It’s amazing how easy it is to shut up the supporters I know with two logical arguments.

A) MQM and PPP boycotted the re-poll and withdrew their candidates. Therefore, everyone voting would be mostly a supporter for the competition. Possibly a PTI supporter. Which means, there was a high chance of something bad happening if even a small crack was found in the security of the polling station.

B) Not 8 hours prior to the re-poll, the PTI VP got shot in front of her house. With something like that happening in the neighbourhood, do you really feel safe? Is the army going to escort you to and from the polling station?

Point out that thanks to these two events, by going to the re-poll you might have just painted a bulls-eye on your forehead, and guess what they do. They devolve into making crass comments about your family and speculations about your sexuality.

Yani, logical argument gaya tail lene.

If you’re still reading this post, lets make one thing clear. I do not support any political party for one reason. Everyone is being led by a dumbass in one form or another. A fugitive, An illiterate, A cricketer, and so on.

Spread the word. Keep your political affiliations to yourself. We don’t want to hear about them. If people like me do, we’ll reduce you to petty name calling and reduce your arguments systematically.

There is a hidden agenda to this post. I am making you more receptive to new ideas. This is important because as soon as Furree Katt makes those images I asked / she offered, I’ll be back to piss another party’s supporters off.