I was going through Cyanide and Happiness archives and came across this strip:
And people flip out when I spoof something. Sheesh. Don't give me a reason to spoof.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Of Something Political
So, I was watching the news today, and dayum! The 9 PM headlines are frigging awesome!
So, anyone who lives in Pakistan knows that the country is a dozen or so steps away from collapse. Which brings us to Headline 1: Nawaz Sharif and Yousuf Gillani began talks today. Back story to all the non-Pakistanis/those who don't follow the news/Anthony. Yousuf Bhai is the Prime Minister, Asif Zardari is the President. Nawaz Sharif is the ex P.M. who doesn't approve of Asif Zardari (Well, you'd have to question your sanity if you did... the guy's been jailed; exiled; declared a mentally unstable person; and suspected in assassinating his wife, who was also an ex P.M.) So, today they had peace talks, since Nawaz Sharif was rallying people against Zardari since God knows when. Now, the part of the convo shown on the TV basically shows the IQ level of our leaders... Yes! The conversation devolved from "... and because of the reinstatement of the Chief Justice we are seeing eye to eye" ---to---> "...Gillani Bhai is like the batsman, and I am the bowler. He needs to bat properly and I need to bowl, so that the public enjoys it"
(well, most of the public will actually understand this since Pakistani's are cricket-whores. . . . wait, wasn't our national sport "Hockey")
Headline 2 was more like a kick in the crotch. The Indian-Something-or-the-Other said "If Pakistan doesn't solve the mess they're in, they'll become a failed democracy!" Gee thanks, Mr. Indian-Something-or-the-Other, not only are we perfectly aware of what's happening in our country, but now even you've pointed out the obvious.
Quick! Someone activate the Marshal Law Signal! After which, we shall all sing "Tana-nana-naaa-naaa Marshal!!! Tana-nana-naaa-naaa Marshal!!!
(If you don't get the reference you suck! Click "reference" to get it)
So, anyone who lives in Pakistan knows that the country is a dozen or so steps away from collapse. Which brings us to Headline 1: Nawaz Sharif and Yousuf Gillani began talks today. Back story to all the non-Pakistanis/those who don't follow the news/Anthony. Yousuf Bhai is the Prime Minister, Asif Zardari is the President. Nawaz Sharif is the ex P.M. who doesn't approve of Asif Zardari (Well, you'd have to question your sanity if you did... the guy's been jailed; exiled; declared a mentally unstable person; and suspected in assassinating his wife, who was also an ex P.M.) So, today they had peace talks, since Nawaz Sharif was rallying people against Zardari since God knows when. Now, the part of the convo shown on the TV basically shows the IQ level of our leaders... Yes! The conversation devolved from "... and because of the reinstatement of the Chief Justice we are seeing eye to eye" ---to---> "...Gillani Bhai is like the batsman, and I am the bowler. He needs to bat properly and I need to bowl, so that the public enjoys it"
(well, most of the public will actually understand this since Pakistani's are cricket-whores. . . . wait, wasn't our national sport "Hockey")
Headline 2 was more like a kick in the crotch. The Indian-Something-or-the-Other said "If Pakistan doesn't solve the mess they're in, they'll become a failed democracy!" Gee thanks, Mr. Indian-Something-or-the-Other, not only are we perfectly aware of what's happening in our country, but now even you've pointed out the obvious.
Quick! Someone activate the Marshal Law Signal! After which, we shall all sing "Tana-nana-naaa-naaa Marshal!!! Tana-nana-naaa-naaa Marshal!!!
(If you don't get the reference you suck! Click "reference" to get it)
Of a Valima Like None Before
Valima's are big events. Ones that the Groom's family throws because they got a daughter-in-law (slave, if your education is limited to Indian Dramas... Paki ones are horrible at teaching anything)
I don't get why mum made such a huge deal on the whole thing. We don't even get along with our neighbours. . . well, we don't get along with any of them.
Clockwise from our Right:
Neighbor 1 (Right): Illiterate family living on the first floor, adept at calling us names, swearing and throwing garbage.
Neighbour 2(Back-Right): Land grabbing bastard. Part of his house is built on our land, and then built a storehouse right in front of our window thus mostly blocking the sun from one room.
Neighbour 3(Back-Left): We get along with them kinda, just that matter with their hired help working overtime as a Peeping Tom threw a wrench in things.
Neighbour 4(Left): Ultra-Preachy woman, ultra Islamic with deep ties in the Pakistani Ninja Federation (Hijab wearing women who pile up in a van and then deploy like a huge angry black cloud) And the husband's brother who lives with them has an Evil Eye. He complimented on how we salvaged our driveway from the CBC (who dug up the entire road and destroyed it in the process) Two days later PTCL guys came along and dug up our driveway to lay down underground cables! Then he once complimented on our shiny new generator and a week later, the turbine melted away and turned it into a pile of scrap metal... shiny scrap metal.
Back to the topic. The Valima was in the afternoon, because, the son married an American girl. Now, in a family that consists of only big obese bearded men, and hijab wearing women this is the event of a lifetime. Suffice to say, the event was quite interesting. They segregated the males and females. The Males themselves segregated into Old Beaded Men and Dashing People from New Jersey. I guess the females did the same. Also, they piled up 25-30 people in a living room meant to hold only 15 at maximum. I am guessing the Ladies Zone was much more cramped.
For food, we got Biryani with undercooked rice and questionable looking Quorma.
According to Mum, the bride's got a face like a horse. And since I've never seen her face, I Googled up an appropriate picture
Okay, maybe not. But who knows what a Ghorey-Jaise-Shakal is.
Whatever the case. I walked out after eating a couple spoonfuls of undercooked biryani rice.
I don't get why mum made such a huge deal on the whole thing. We don't even get along with our neighbours. . . well, we don't get along with any of them.
Clockwise from our Right:
Neighbor 1 (Right): Illiterate family living on the first floor, adept at calling us names, swearing and throwing garbage.
Neighbour 2(Back-Right): Land grabbing bastard. Part of his house is built on our land, and then built a storehouse right in front of our window thus mostly blocking the sun from one room.
Neighbour 3(Back-Left): We get along with them kinda, just that matter with their hired help working overtime as a Peeping Tom threw a wrench in things.
Neighbour 4(Left): Ultra-Preachy woman, ultra Islamic with deep ties in the Pakistani Ninja Federation (Hijab wearing women who pile up in a van and then deploy like a huge angry black cloud) And the husband's brother who lives with them has an Evil Eye. He complimented on how we salvaged our driveway from the CBC (who dug up the entire road and destroyed it in the process) Two days later PTCL guys came along and dug up our driveway to lay down underground cables! Then he once complimented on our shiny new generator and a week later, the turbine melted away and turned it into a pile of scrap metal... shiny scrap metal.
Back to the topic. The Valima was in the afternoon, because, the son married an American girl. Now, in a family that consists of only big obese bearded men, and hijab wearing women this is the event of a lifetime. Suffice to say, the event was quite interesting. They segregated the males and females. The Males themselves segregated into Old Beaded Men and Dashing People from New Jersey. I guess the females did the same. Also, they piled up 25-30 people in a living room meant to hold only 15 at maximum. I am guessing the Ladies Zone was much more cramped.
For food, we got Biryani with undercooked rice and questionable looking Quorma.
According to Mum, the bride's got a face like a horse. And since I've never seen her face, I Googled up an appropriate picture
Okay, maybe not. But who knows what a Ghorey-Jaise-Shakal is.Whatever the case. I walked out after eating a couple spoonfuls of undercooked biryani rice.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Of Meat! and Other Super-cool stuff.
The 6 working days are over! I can finally spend the money on Booze and Coke... wait, that's not what I do... must be channeling some weird teenage spirit.
Met with Shahrukh and roamed around Forum for an hour, while we recounted all the exciting stuff that's happened in our lives, (Since we lead such boring lives, a lot of them were repetitions) and also saw this on the floor:
The awkward feeling sets in when you are reading the sign above on the floor and you look up and see an obese uncle/aunty walking in front of you while you're trying to register what you just read. Mentally (Let alone physically) unbuttoning obese uncles and aunties isn't fun, (unless you happen to be Innocence Smasher)
So, once that was done, and we got really tired of walking continuously on our jogging track (Forum, First Floor) We sat in a Rickshaw like men, and drove into the sunset... or maybe Zamzama.
After waiting for 5 to 10 centuries, I got a steak! It was delicious! Well, the entire thing was fun, but, I cannot spill the beans of this said meetup since we touched topics that aren't to be revealed. What I can tell you is that Arizona has some disturbing artwork on its walls. Specifically:
The ladies were all facing away from said artwork. We both however, could see it clearly. The perspective is totally wrong! why is the clarinet guy sitting on the pianist's lap? Why does it scream inappropriate? Why is a hand (I dare not say whose for fear of getting disemboweled) trying to touch the pianist's hand? Too many questions!
Then we all shoved ourselves in Omer's (Shani's frand) car and went home. Hope we didn't freak you out... a lot, Omer!
Now, back home another story unfolded! Our neighbours are having a valima tomorrow (Valima's like an after party held by the groom's family a day after the wedding)
Guess what? Its in the afternoon! What the hell?
Anyways, expect a rant once I come back... if the valima is annoying enough. I shall go read the compositions I have to check. :(
Met with Shahrukh and roamed around Forum for an hour, while we recounted all the exciting stuff that's happened in our lives, (Since we lead such boring lives, a lot of them were repetitions) and also saw this on the floor:
The awkward feeling sets in when you are reading the sign above on the floor and you look up and see an obese uncle/aunty walking in front of you while you're trying to register what you just read. Mentally (Let alone physically) unbuttoning obese uncles and aunties isn't fun, (unless you happen to be Innocence Smasher)So, once that was done, and we got really tired of walking continuously on our jogging track (Forum, First Floor) We sat in a Rickshaw like men, and drove into the sunset... or maybe Zamzama.
After waiting for 5 to 10 centuries, I got a steak! It was delicious! Well, the entire thing was fun, but, I cannot spill the beans of this said meetup since we touched topics that aren't to be revealed. What I can tell you is that Arizona has some disturbing artwork on its walls. Specifically:
The ladies were all facing away from said artwork. We both however, could see it clearly. The perspective is totally wrong! why is the clarinet guy sitting on the pianist's lap? Why does it scream inappropriate? Why is a hand (I dare not say whose for fear of getting disemboweled) trying to touch the pianist's hand? Too many questions!Then we all shoved ourselves in Omer's (Shani's frand) car and went home. Hope we didn't freak you out... a lot, Omer!
Now, back home another story unfolded! Our neighbours are having a valima tomorrow (Valima's like an after party held by the groom's family a day after the wedding)
Guess what? Its in the afternoon! What the hell?
Anyways, expect a rant once I come back... if the valima is annoying enough. I shall go read the compositions I have to check. :(
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Of A Week Long Charity
So, the Saturday Mela was okay. The weather was hot and people bossed Bosco around (see! I made a pun!) And since, Bosco's like my entertainment buddy in school I was bossed around too! :(
Monday was okay, not particularly fun. Made the kids do a character sketch of a blind man.
Tuesday was Grammar day. I wonder how it's possible to mess up even after half a period's discussion on the topic and having the answers to the exercise written on the board for you.
Wednesday was the worse. Here's why:
7 Sets of books to check. YAY! Kill me while you're at it. And I'm not even teaching Math wherew tallying the answer is the basic form of checking.
Today: the only thing keeping me going is that tomorrow I get to meet Shani, Aisha, and Sania. Hurray for Social Life!
Oh well, who said charity was easy.
Monday was okay, not particularly fun. Made the kids do a character sketch of a blind man.
Tuesday was Grammar day. I wonder how it's possible to mess up even after half a period's discussion on the topic and having the answers to the exercise written on the board for you.
Wednesday was the worse. Here's why:
7 Sets of books to check. YAY! Kill me while you're at it. And I'm not even teaching Math wherew tallying the answer is the basic form of checking.Today: the only thing keeping me going is that tomorrow I get to meet Shani, Aisha, and Sania. Hurray for Social Life!
Oh well, who said charity was easy.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Of Being Sucked Back Into a Black Hole
We're having a spring mela/Science Exhibition tomorrow, and I was asked to come in to help around with the arrangements and what not.
During the ride to the school, I got to know that one of the teachers in our section was in a crisis. Her younger brother had cancer for a while, well... things just got worse for him, and she can't really come to school and teach while the dude's stuck on a dialysis machine. My "Substitution-Sense" was tinging (its also known as the extra-workload-sense; every office bitch develops one eventually)
So, as soon as said teacher entered the office to clock in, every-single teacher who knew I was in school at the moment, went up to her and kept talking to her till she broke down, then they started repeating one of the following lines over and over again
1. "Don't worry Sameera-Behn*, Aamer is here, he'll take your classes for you"
2. "You can go to the hospital, Aamer will take your classes for you"
Don't get the wrong idea, (considering Ms. Sameera has help me out alot, so it's natural I give something back) I wanted to be the one to offer her my services, I didn't ask for no bleeding ad-campaign. And guess who was on the front-lines of said ad-campaign? My mum, doing everything short of pushing Sameera-behn out the front gate.
Second period and every other that followed (up till the 6th and last) had kids asking me one stupid question. Just one!
[Flashback] The last Buzz I ever made, I wrote a passage in the Editor's Note:
Look at the last line, its says "...save enough money to finally afford a trip to Japan" Not "I am going to Japan.. Bye Bye!"
These kids bhi na, they have ultra weak comprehension skills. And I pay for their stupidity, answering the same god damn question 300 times or so.
Now either I explain to them what I wrote and what they read, or I say "yes"
¬ Explanation: Makes the kid feel stupid (which is a satisfying notion) but makes me lose alot of energy in the long run and makes me really thirsty (no water in our section)
¬ Yes: Short, simple... but triggers the kid to ask more questions. "Why did you go?" "Why did you come back" and variations of them.
STUPID STUPID KIDS. Stupid Me for falling into such an obvious trap.
Oh and I got my settlement cheque today! I shall be rich in 6 working days! Kinda takes the whole excitement out of the cheque getting....
During the ride to the school, I got to know that one of the teachers in our section was in a crisis. Her younger brother had cancer for a while, well... things just got worse for him, and she can't really come to school and teach while the dude's stuck on a dialysis machine. My "Substitution-Sense" was tinging (its also known as the extra-workload-sense; every office bitch develops one eventually)
So, as soon as said teacher entered the office to clock in, every-single teacher who knew I was in school at the moment, went up to her and kept talking to her till she broke down, then they started repeating one of the following lines over and over again
1. "Don't worry Sameera-Behn*, Aamer is here, he'll take your classes for you"
2. "You can go to the hospital, Aamer will take your classes for you"
Don't get the wrong idea, (considering Ms. Sameera has help me out alot, so it's natural I give something back) I wanted to be the one to offer her my services, I didn't ask for no bleeding ad-campaign. And guess who was on the front-lines of said ad-campaign? My mum, doing everything short of pushing Sameera-behn out the front gate.
For those of you who don't know, both mum and I used to work in the same section teaching 5th and 6th graders. Mum's still there, I iz free!
Anyways, first period was free! So I sat in a corner, listened to some music and read up on the day's planned work. Then I irritated Bosco. Ah Peace.Second period and every other that followed (up till the 6th and last) had kids asking me one stupid question. Just one!
"Sir Aamer! Sir Aamer! You came back from Japan?"
[Flashback] The last Buzz I ever made, I wrote a passage in the Editor's Note:
Look at the last line, its says "...save enough money to finally afford a trip to Japan" Not "I am going to Japan.. Bye Bye!"
These kids bhi na, they have ultra weak comprehension skills. And I pay for their stupidity, answering the same god damn question 300 times or so.
Now either I explain to them what I wrote and what they read, or I say "yes"
¬ Explanation: Makes the kid feel stupid (which is a satisfying notion) but makes me lose alot of energy in the long run and makes me really thirsty (no water in our section)
¬ Yes: Short, simple... but triggers the kid to ask more questions. "Why did you go?" "Why did you come back" and variations of them.
STUPID STUPID KIDS. Stupid Me for falling into such an obvious trap.
Oh and I got my settlement cheque today! I shall be rich in 6 working days! Kinda takes the whole excitement out of the cheque getting....
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Of a Super Newsletter
During my 2 year long stint at The City School as their office bitch/assistant librarian, part of my job was to issue out a monthly newsletter. Thanks to some idiotic teacher, the newsletter ended up being named "BUZZ!"
What the hell is Buzz? I wanted to call it Anaconda or Mota-Python (someone's got to teach these kids what an innuendo is) or something cool! Khair, this Buzz was a monthly thing where I used to create a double-sided page with god knows what nonsense, and surprisingly enough, it was popular. Target Audience is your dumb as hell 10-12 yearold.
That should define the thing quite well. Links are provided below. Remember, its childish, its stupid, it's filled with puns and well, its the byproduct of me trying to introduce my insanity to little kids. (Sadly, its much more civil since my boss was leaning more on "School ki Izzat" rather than entertainment value.)
What the hell is Buzz? I wanted to call it Anaconda or Mota-Python (someone's got to teach these kids what an innuendo is) or something cool! Khair, this Buzz was a monthly thing where I used to create a double-sided page with god knows what nonsense, and surprisingly enough, it was popular. Target Audience is your dumb as hell 10-12 yearold.
That should define the thing quite well. Links are provided below. Remember, its childish, its stupid, it's filled with puns and well, its the byproduct of me trying to introduce my insanity to little kids. (Sadly, its much more civil since my boss was leaning more on "School ki Izzat" rather than entertainment value.)
Of Plinkyfication: A Pet from the Wild Side
I would definitely keep a lion as a pet. Hey, considering I am a Leo and all, not to mention that Lions are over-sized cats. I love cats.
Oh and I could even train it to eat someone's face off at my command. That would be so cool!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Of These Bechara Goras
Alternately Titled:
an outsider wait an outsider fracker stop makign me hit ENTER stupid stupid keyboard angel thats not the title ~.~ I forget the title stupid keyboard
- Gora-Boy
So, I just realized. Why do we bother learning about other countries? I don't see the Gora Media educating their youth. Why do I make a blatant accusation? Here:
Gora:
- pehlwan?
- The strong man?
Bakemono-Imo:
- yes
- pehlwan means strong man in Urdu
Gora:
- Urdu?
- heh?
Bakemono-Imo:
- native language of Pakistan
- like Hindi
- except for some words
Gora:
- don’t you speak Islamic?
Bakemono-Imo:
- WOW!
- This is so going on the blog
Gora:
- wait is that even a language or a religion?
- Well on Pakistan tell me?
Bakemono-Imo:
- neither
- Islam is the religion.
Gora:
- Isn’t that the country?
Bakemono-Imo:
- Muslims are the followers of said religion
Gora:
- Yah I was about to say Muslims
Bakemono-Imo:
- okay
- that's going on the blog too!
Yes, people of Pakistan. We speak Islamic or Muslim. Anyways, from now on, if I ever go to work again and get to teach a geography class, just you wait you Goras, I'm going to teach the kids that America is in the middle of Antarctica and it's major crop is mangoes and it's got Nepal as it's capital. (Considering their collective IQ, they'll believe me too)
And to a certain girl, if she's wondering... No, "pehlwan" does not mean "pehlwan-bathing-in-blood." *smiley*
As for the Gora, sorry for the exploitation. It iz a Joke. See? Also, Gora is someone with a white complexion.
(Comments - if any - being mean to the Gora will not be tolerated)
- Gora-Boy
So, I just realized. Why do we bother learning about other countries? I don't see the Gora Media educating their youth. Why do I make a blatant accusation? Here:
Gora:
- pehlwan?
- The strong man?
Bakemono-Imo:
- yes
- pehlwan means strong man in Urdu
Gora:
- Urdu?
- heh?
Bakemono-Imo:
- native language of Pakistan
- like Hindi
- except for some words
Gora:
- don’t you speak Islamic?
Bakemono-Imo:
- WOW!
- This is so going on the blog
Gora:
- wait is that even a language or a religion?
- Well on Pakistan tell me?
Bakemono-Imo:
- neither
- Islam is the religion.
Gora:
- Isn’t that the country?
Bakemono-Imo:
- Muslims are the followers of said religion
Gora:
- Yah I was about to say Muslims
Bakemono-Imo:
- okay
- that's going on the blog too!
Yes, people of Pakistan. We speak Islamic or Muslim. Anyways, from now on, if I ever go to work again and get to teach a geography class, just you wait you Goras, I'm going to teach the kids that America is in the middle of Antarctica and it's major crop is mangoes and it's got Nepal as it's capital. (Considering their collective IQ, they'll believe me too)
And to a certain girl, if she's wondering... No, "pehlwan" does not mean "pehlwan-bathing-in-blood." *smiley*
As for the Gora, sorry for the exploitation. It iz a Joke. See? Also, Gora is someone with a white complexion.
(Comments - if any - being mean to the Gora will not be tolerated)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Of Plinkyifcation: My Bear ate Rambo and won against a shark in water!
The animal kingdom has untapped potential. An example is given below!
The bear would beat the shark in submission. Do I hear you say that the bear has no opposable thumbs? Well, the shark has no claws!
So this is how the fight's gonna go down. the bear is going to jump into the water (yes, my bear ate Rambo for Breakfast, with honey of course) and paddle around. After which as soon as the shark starts homing in on the bear, he'll lull the shark into a false sense of security by pretending to drown. When the shark will be within claw reach (you can tell this because the Jaws tum-dum-taaa-taaa music isn't getting any louder) he'll grab the shark in a choke hold and circle his legs around it's tail and twist it's head all the way back snapping the spine.
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