Of Rainbows Smell Tangy. . .

. . . and other weird shit.

Now that I have your attention, I am going to try and go to sleep. Actually, I don't care. Feel free to ignore this post.

LALALALALALA

I never go "LALA"

Also, House M.D. Marathon. Will bitch when done!

Someone gimme the recipe for Chappati Nachos... I remember reading it somewhere

Of Being Anti-LOL

Everyone tells Jokes. Funny stuff needs to be shared. I am for the funneh.

However. I hate it when people laugh at their own jokes.

Case in point
Idiot says: Dude! do you know what PIA stands for? Huh huh huh do you?
Me: Errrr ... Pakistan International Airlines?
Idiot: Pfft! That's the actual name. It should stand for "Please, Inform Allah" AHahahahahahaha LOL
Me: . . . dumbass.

There should be a rule. People who tell jokes shouldn't be allowed to laugh at them, unless the listeners laugh first.

How many times have I come across stupid stuff like "so, like i was walking my dog down the road and this annoying guy was staring at me and i flipped him off LOL!"

(On a totally unrelated note, LOL happens to be a french film too... what are the odds)

Let me rephrase the initial statement. I don't want anyone to LOL after saying something. It's just pathetic and makes you sound desperate, kinda like the guy who wants to high-five everytime he makes an innuendo.

There's this idiot I knew long ago who LOLs about pretty much everything. Either the following lines are actually funny and I am too dull to notice, or she really needs to get off the dope.

(While answering a simple Hi, How're you)
Hi XYZ! lol
I have been good lol.
I'm just getting used to this again, lol.

You get the picture..

So, people. Whether it's a joke, or an insult. Do refrain from going LOL. A smirk is enough. If people want to find it funny, they will laugh. You just irritate me with your laughter for no apparent reason.

(Edit: 1/10/09 07:55) Also as Shinigami-Kun pointed out, LOL followed by LMAO or any other form of expressing laughter makes me want to blast your face off!

Of Eid

Belated Eid Mubarak to you all.

If you know me, I really do wish you all Eid Mubarak, since it's the only time of the year when poor unemployed people like us get any money (not counting the 200 bucks a month "pocket money")

Okay, that aside. Eid was horrible. Apart from the cheapskate relatives who won't cough up dough (yes, when it comes to Eid I am as greedy as a 10 year old... moving along) and the ones who cast you dirty looks because they don't approve your existence for a number of reasons, I really don't get why people focus on food.

Pakistanis have nothing better to do than eat. We call Americans fat, since they - well - are! But we obsess over food like anything. Whenever someone comes over to visit, we feed them. Lavish 72 dish courses with so many intermingled aromas that you're confused if you're looking at 72 different dishes or someone took those 72 dishes, dumped them into one cauldron, gave a quick whisk and plated them in 72 plates/bowls. Hey, if I ever find myself in a similar situation, and I absolutely have to feed guests, I'd go grab a few snack-packs of biscuits and give them cold water to down them.

I'm sick. I was horribly sick on Eid day, and my parents feel the need to keep appearances. That means, that I have to tag along to Aunty Farkhunda's house sit in a corner with a pale face ready to fall asleep. I don't get labelled "Biohazard - Keep Clear" because I'm sick. Instead I am "Attitude Bunny - Ill Mannered Asshole"

Then comes the food. "Beta, why don't you eat?"

I have the flu. My throat's practically closed up with mucus. I have trouble breathing, let alone talking. Yet people don't get it. Have a spicy kebab. How about a glass of ice cold Pepsi.

Dare refuse them 15 times consecutively and the entire family, from 2 year old Tipu to 80 year old, one legged Nana Jan, start chanting: "EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT!"

They have home base advantage in that situation.

When they're visiting, and we have home base advantage, it's still the same. However this time around they guilt you into eating.

"Look at him, he's not eating. We feel bad stuffing ourselves while he sits there eating. What happened beta, mommy starving you to death? Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat."

or

"Why isn't he eating? Did you poison the cake? Did he poison the cake? (laughs) Eat beta, Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat."

CUT ME A BREAK!
(sadly in my current state it would be more like: "cu..*cough* t..me *cough* *cough* *hack* *wheeze* a.....*)

Of *Yawn*

I've been sick the last two weeks.

Between the flu and sore throat, I didn't feel like doing much. Neither do I feel like doing much at the moment. Suffice to say, I'm alive.

Of Something I Wonder.

How desperate must one be for any sort of activity on one's blog, that one must resort to accepting comments from the one person who's constantly reminding them how worthless they truly are?
This post was sponsored by the letters S, L, I, P, K, N, O, and T

Of * Drum Roll *

Hello. This guy here, is a cop from Jackie Chan's ancient martial arts movie "Police Story". In fact he's somewhat a partner to Inspector Chan (Inspector Jackie Chan - say it like Sean Connery would). As fate would have it, he goes to the bad guys for money and is asked to kill Inspector Chan, which he agrees to.

Behold! He is Inspector Man.

Not only do the partners' names rhyme, but they both have super powers. Inspector Chan was bitten by a radioactive Kung Fu Monkey, can give your ass a serious beatdown.

Inspector Man, however, wasn't bitten by anything. In fact, the only superpower he has is going down after taking two bullets into the chest. That and framing Inspector Chan for his murder.

Of Computer Woes

Running a Windows based system is quite like working in an old-folks home or in the terminally-ill patients wing in a hospital. I'm not kidding.

See, like these places, your Windows will experience something never before seen in software the physical manifestation of "age". Sure, the bright tech-heads amongst you may point out that a "shifting" of bytes does occur when running any software. A simple defragmentation should take care of that.

Nope. Windows is like Old Mr. Smith (who's 90+) or Little Timmy (suffering from ikillyou-itis) in the sense that just as their systems would slowly give out, maybe bladder problems or internal bleeding, Windows experiences the same thing. It will slow down, the cursor will creak when moving (a common case of mouse-arthritis) or will spontaneously move without you even willing it to.

You will find that no matter how many programs you delete, files you remove, you aren't gaining as much memory as there was before said programs came. And, in the end it's just an excuse for an operating system running on life-support in the form of Virus (or Registry, Malware, Spyware, Adware, Rootkit) Scans, System Recovery Tools, Disc Defrags, RAM Optimisers. They don't speed up your computer, rather they just make sure it runs for another week or so (until the trial period runs out)

And then comes the inevitable. It can occur in two ways. Either one fine day you show up for duty and find that Little Tim... wait, back up. Either one day you find that your computer won't boot up any more. Promise it whatever you may - a new hard-drive, a fresh installation, a snuggly puppy - it won't boot up.

Alternatively, it could be that you decide that it's time to let Mr. Smi... your computer go (I really need to stop confusing my analogies with reality.) You save it's will (basically all your songs, documents, pictures that aren't already on FaceBook, and even the erotic chats with your numerous "soul-mates" and "spouses to be". Then you do the inevitable. Now, you can either pay someone who knows their way around pulling the switch or if you're adventurous, you can do the deed yourself.

Either way. Once your computer expires. You receive another one. Now, if you were able to plan its demise, you can begin to start convincing it that he is Mr. Smith (Not Mr. John) or Little Timmy (Not Little Lisa) and begin the cycle anew.

All this rambling is because I spent the entire night running all sorts of scans just to remove one blasted piece malware. I ended up downloading 5 different programs (Not counting those pathetic ones that ask you to buy the application to remove one measly file) running them all in safe-mode before managing to kill it.

All those people who are giggling because they use Apple and Windows sucks, can you honestly fix your computer without having to go on an Apple Help Forum. All I see is Apple Freaks left and right whining about how to install xyz or how to connect to the net or something equally stupid. But hey, you guys deserve a post all to yourselves.

(I apologise to anyone who has lost a loved one to old age or something incurable. Making fun of their demise was not my intention)

Of Boredom

A while back (like two posts down) I was randomly given a carton of Apple Juice by dad. Turns out it wasn't for free.

After Iftar I went to sleep for a bit. Woke up and tried to introduce two friends to each other over some mutual interest. . . not anime. So, while I was busy trying to get them to talk to each other (which was going as well as trying to be the middle man in a rishta), dad calls me. He wants me to burn 3 audio discs for him. Dad loves his ghazals, and I even convinced him to get an MP3 Player. He finds the thing to confusing. He prefers a Discman. So, I was given the task of burning the discs.

I could have turfed this on my little sister, (whose technological ineptness would have made the CD into a Floppy and imploded the computer in a matter of seconds) But, I feel bad since he gave me apple juice, which I chugged down last night.

Man! Desi songs are so annoying. Well, not the songs but the people who rip them from discs, upload them and rename them. These people are super-lazy. They'll label all songs one after the other like: song 1, song 2, song 3, song 5, song 7, song 4, song 9....

Bleah!

I sleepzorz

Of Why I Wish Pakistan Was California

Really, and it's not because of the beaches and the babes... that's just second on my list of priorities.

Who is the Governor of California? That's Right! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Arnie Bhai!

I am a huge fan of Arnie movies. And if you've only seen the the Terminator series, stop reading right now, go rent True Lies, Commando, Total Recall, Predator, Eraser and Last Action Hero.

That said, the charm of any Arnie movie is not the story. Heck in those days the story was too formulaic. In a nutshell any movie falling in the Lone Hero Action genre followed the typical pattern:

1. Hero has retired from his ways of killing and saving people to live with his relatives in peace.

2. Villain decides to either:
--> a Hold-a-lot-of-people-hostage-including-the-Hero's-relative get rich quick scheme
-->Kill/hold hostage Hero's relatives to exact revenge on Hero, for foiling get rich quick scheme / killing Villain's own evil relative, by luring him into Villainous Base peppered with henchmen.

3. Hero arms himself to the teeth, goes after Villain, killing most of the henchmen is creative ways. Note that minions are cannon fodder, and disposed of easily, whereas henchmen are the sleazy lot who directly answer to the villain and are mentioned by character's name in the ending credits.

4. Villain threatens Hero's relative with torture and death, enraging the hero

5. Hero kills Villain and saves the day. Also disables any bomb(s) before the countdown reaches "00:01"

That being said. The main objective of these movies wasn't a story that moved you to the point of tears or make you sit and wonder the philosophical implications of the story. It was to showcase the stunt team's outrageous ideas and how the effects team made you believe that everything you saw was real. As for the writers, they shone the brightest by writing dialogue for the Hero. Nothing complicated or intense mind you, just some awesome sound bytes shoved in between punches.

Some awesome Arnie Quotes:

Movie: Commando (Arnie is Matrix)
Bad Guy: You scared, m****f****? Well, you should be, because this Green Beret is going to kick your big ass!
Matrix: I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I'm very hungry!

[Plane refuses to start, and the minions are catching up]
Matrix: Come on, you piece of shit.
[Punches the controls]
Matrix: Fly or die!
(And somehow, the plane starts - I bet Top Gun Man would have an issue with this, but I found it hilarious. Especially since a few moments back Arnie bashed a guy's head into a pole repeatedly just to knock him out)

Movie: Total Recall (Arnie as Quaid)
[So, Arnie's wife is trying to kill him, since he's uncovered a huge conspiracy where he's being used and his wife's one of the main ringleaders. Wife's beaten Arnie to the ground and is about to stab him when he grabs a nearby pistol and shoots her in the head]
Quaid: Consider that a divorce!

Quotes aside, the way Arnie goes about rescuing someone is equally entertaining. Like for example, anyone who's seen True Lies would remember the Harrier scene near the end. Arnold's daughter's been kidnapped by Muslim terrorists and being held on like the 50th floor of a skyscraper. His solution? He flies a Harrier and uses the onboard rail-gun to kill everyone while his daughter hides somewhere. Skip a bit forward. Muslim terrorists in a helicopter are trying to blow Arnie out of the sky, their leader and Arnie's daughter are hanging on for dear life on the wings of the Harrier. Well, the leader is trying to stab both of them to death. Suddenly (after daughter is in the cockpit) the leader slips and wedgies himself onto a missile. Arnie, being a man of very very few words says this: "You're Fired!" and launches the missile towards the helicopter.

Can you expect that level of awesome from our leaders? Fine, I may be blurring the lines between movies and reality. But come on! When Musharraf was coming to overthrow Nawaz Sharif, Nawaz decided not to let his plane touch the tarmac. Can you imagine Musharraf storming into the cockpit and kicking the controls yelling"LAND OR DIE!" Can you imagine a Musharraf cornering a supremely outraged Nawaz in front of the presidential palace's geyser, ripping off a 6 inch thick steel pipe and throwing it at Nawaz and saying, "Let off some steam" (pipe gone through Nawaz and geyser, billowing out hot steam).

Leave all that, can you imagine letting Musharraf lose in Buner, N.W.F.P to deal with the Taliban threat? 5 Hours later he comes out, clothes tattered and caked blood and grime all over him, followed by gracious (and liberated) hostages, carrying three children in his arms, only to meet G.W.Bush there to getting ready to fight his war on terror with his predator drones and what not. G.W. sees Musharraf and asks, "Musharraf! Leave anything for us?" Musharraf looks with a steely gaze at G.W. and says "Only Bodies"

If that actually happened, America would never dare touch Pakistan. Sadly, our leaders aren't that cool.

Sorry for making this post chronologically ancient. Thanks to Zardari's new law to imprison people who make fun of him, I had to go back in time and use older, less entertaining examples. After all, I've already lost 4 years on my education, I don't want to make that 4 into an 18!

This post in no way makes fun of Zardari (hey, his name's mentioned only twice and one pronoun)

Of A Whacky Dream

I've officially reached the point where I don't know what's real anymore.

I am waiting for Morpheus to come and ask me to take a pill. Then I'd Kung-Fu . . . Not like an obese panda mind you.

I woke up 15 minutes ago. Had the most senseless dream ever. Filled with Arnie Quotes and Random explosions (I vaguely remember my sandwich exploding at one point, and my wallet at another) in the end, Dad comes and gives me a Nestle's Apple Juice, which I take and go to sleep.

Problem is, I woke up with the juice pack under my pillow. =/

Arnie post needs some work. Will be up soon.