Of A Week Long Charity

So, the Saturday Mela was okay. The weather was hot and people bossed Bosco around (see! I made a pun!) And since, Bosco's like my entertainment buddy in school I was bossed around too! :(

Monday was okay, not particularly fun. Made the kids do a character sketch of a blind man.

Tuesday was Grammar day. I wonder how it's possible to mess up even after half a period's discussion on the topic and having the answers to the exercise written on the board for you.

Wednesday was the worse. Here's why:
7 Sets of books to check. YAY! Kill me while you're at it. And I'm not even teaching Math wherew tallying the answer is the basic form of checking.

Today: the only thing keeping me going is that tomorrow I get to meet Shani, Aisha, and Sania. Hurray for Social Life!

Oh well, who said charity was easy.

Of Being Sucked Back Into a Black Hole

We're having a spring mela/Science Exhibition tomorrow, and I was asked to come in to help around with the arrangements and what not.

During the ride to the school, I got to know that one of the teachers in our section was in a crisis. Her younger brother had cancer for a while, well... things just got worse for him, and she can't really come to school and teach while the dude's stuck on a dialysis machine. My "Substitution-Sense" was tinging (its also known as the extra-workload-sense; every office bitch develops one eventually)

So, as soon as said teacher entered the office to clock in, every-single teacher who knew I was in school at the moment, went up to her and kept talking to her till she broke down, then they started repeating one of the following lines over and over again
1. "Don't worry Sameera-Behn*, Aamer is here, he'll take your classes for you"
2. "You can go to the hospital, Aamer will take your classes for you"

Don't get the wrong idea, (considering Ms. Sameera has help me out alot, so it's natural I give something back) I wanted to be the one to offer her my services, I didn't ask for no bleeding ad-campaign. And guess who was on the front-lines of said ad-campaign? My mum, doing everything short of pushing Sameera-behn out the front gate.

For those of you who don't know, both mum and I used to work in the same section teaching 5th and 6th graders. Mum's still there, I iz free!

Anyways, first period was free! So I sat in a corner, listened to some music and read up on the day's planned work. Then I irritated Bosco. Ah Peace.

Second period and every other that followed (up till the 6th and last) had kids asking me one stupid question. Just one!

"Sir Aamer! Sir Aamer! You came back from Japan?"

[Flashback] The last Buzz I ever made, I wrote a passage in the Editor's Note:
Look at the last line, its says "...save enough money to finally afford a trip to Japan" Not "I am going to Japan.. Bye Bye!"

These kids bhi na, they have ultra weak comprehension skills. And I pay for their stupidity, answering the same god damn question 300 times or so.

Now either I explain to them what I wrote and what they read, or I say "yes"

¬ Explanation: Makes the kid feel stupid (which is a satisfying notion) but makes me lose alot of energy in the long run and makes me really thirsty (no water in our section)

¬ Yes: Short, simple... but triggers the kid to ask more questions. "Why did you go?" "Why did you come back" and variations of them.

STUPID STUPID KIDS. Stupid Me for falling into such an obvious trap.

Oh and I got my settlement cheque today! I shall be rich in 6 working days! Kinda takes the whole excitement out of the cheque getting....

Of a Super Newsletter

During my 2 year long stint at The City School as their office bitch/assistant librarian, part of my job was to issue out a monthly newsletter. Thanks to some idiotic teacher, the newsletter ended up being named "BUZZ!"

What the hell is Buzz? I wanted to call it Anaconda or Mota-Python (someone's got to teach these kids what an innuendo is) or something cool! Khair, this Buzz was a monthly thing where I used to create a double-sided page with god knows what nonsense, and surprisingly enough, it was popular. Target Audience is your dumb as hell 10-12 yearold.

That should define the thing quite well. Links are provided below. Remember, its childish, its stupid, it's filled with puns and well, its the byproduct of me trying to introduce my insanity to little kids. (Sadly, its much more civil since my boss was leaning more on "School ki Izzat" rather than entertainment value.)

Buzz #1
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #2
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #3
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #4
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #5
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #6
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #7
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #8
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #9
Page 1 - Page 2

Buzz #10
Page 1 - Page 2 - Page 3 - Page 4

Buzz #11
Page 1 - Page 2 - Page 3 - Page 4

Of Plinkyfication: A Pet from the Wild Side

Lion by Corey Leopold

I would definitely keep a lion as a pet. Hey, considering I am a Leo and all, not to mention that Lions are over-sized cats. I love cats.

Oh and I could even train it to eat someone's face off at my command. That would be so cool!

Of These Bechara Goras

Alternately Titled:

an outsider wait an outsider fracker stop makign me hit ENTER stupid stupid keyboard angel thats not the title ~.~ I forget the title stupid keyboard
- Gora-Boy

So, I just realized. Why do we bother learning about other countries? I don't see the Gora Media educating their youth. Why do I make a blatant accusation? Here:

Gora:
- pehlwan?
- The strong man?
Bakemono-Imo:
- yes
- pehlwan means strong man in Urdu
Gora:
- Urdu?
- heh?
Bakemono-Imo:
- native language of Pakistan
- like Hindi
- except for some words
Gora:
- don’t you speak Islamic?
Bakemono-Imo:
- WOW!
- This is so going on the blog
Gora:
- wait is that even a language or a religion?
- Well on Pakistan tell me?
Bakemono-Imo:
- neither
- Islam is the religion.
Gora:
- Isn’t that the country?
Bakemono-Imo:
- Muslims are the followers of said religion
Gora:
- Yah I was about to say Muslims
Bakemono-Imo:
- okay
- that's going on the blog too!

Yes, people of Pakistan. We speak Islamic or Muslim. Anyways, from now on, if I ever go to work again and get to teach a geography class, just you wait you Goras, I'm going to teach the kids that America is in the middle of Antarctica and it's major crop is mangoes and it's got Nepal as it's capital. (Considering their collective IQ, they'll believe me too)

And to a certain girl, if she's wondering... No, "pehlwan" does not mean "pehlwan-bathing-in-blood." *smiley*

As for the Gora, sorry for the exploitation. It iz a Joke. See? Also, Gora is someone with a white complexion.

(Comments - if any - being mean to the Gora will not be tolerated)

Of Plinkyifcation: My Bear ate Rambo and won against a shark in water!

The animal kingdom has untapped potential. An example is given below!

The bear would beat the shark in submission. Do I hear you say that the bear has no opposable thumbs? Well, the shark has no claws!

So this is how the fight's gonna go down. the bear is going to jump into the water (yes, my bear ate Rambo for Breakfast, with honey of course) and paddle around. After which as soon as the shark starts homing in on the bear, he'll lull the shark into a false sense of security by pretending to drown. When the shark will be within claw reach (you can tell this because the Jaws tum-dum-taaa-taaa music isn't getting any louder) he'll grab the shark in a choke hold and circle his legs around it's tail and twist it's head all the way back snapping the spine.

Of.... Innocence Lost? =/

Okay, so a couple of hours ago I got off the phone with this friend of mine.

Let me tell you about this girl before we even touch the actual topic of this post. So, this friend of mine (whom I won't name due to the relative embarrassing nature of this post) is super fun to talk to, cute and ends up saying ridiculously adorable stuff. Oh and when it comes to the pleasures of adulthood she's got the mentality of a 4 year-old. If you have read QuestionableContent, she's somewhat like Hannelore. (Yes, girl-on-whom-blog-post-is-based that's a good thing.)

I mean, we've all had the basic know how of everything, ranging from porn to sex and etc. She, however, doesn't understand what the big deal is; how come the porn industry is the largest industry there is, how humans have classified sex into stages as if it was a rocket launching. You people might think it's quite weird, but I would give an arm to have that innocence back. At least the plethora of useless trivia shoved steadily down my throat (it is a horrible analogy but what-the-heck) since my first day in 6th grade is something I'll be glad to be rid of.

No more shall I have the horrible images of necrophilia or other stuff too horrible to write about.

So, the topic at hand, Lost Innocence. No, it doesn't have anything to do with going into manhood or similar shit (there are other blogs for that.) It deals with my friend being 'educated' by one of her friends.

Needless to say, it was like listening to a really happy kid who learnt something new and wanted to share with her friend. And just guess what that friend of hers (we shall call him IS for now. IS = Innocence Smasher) . . . IS used to educate her with. Google Images and Desi Sex Stories.

Dude! Even Wikipedia is better at explaining stuff!

Our entire conversation was based on what she learnt. From the fat aunty's butt in skinny black lingerie, to the blog of sex stories ... desi sex stories that is ... she was introduced to. The old aunties and uncles getting it on is just gross. The desi sex industry is one of the reasons the west should never merge with the east. And the stories are just full of either rape, or incest or neighbourhood-aunty-love

Her reaction to all of this. She found the entire concept of sex "funny". So yes Mr. Innocence Smasher, you didn't educate her, just made her curious enough to quote random sentences from those horrible stories.

Have you Dear Readers, ever stumbled across one? They are horrible. I mean, they have no sense of spellings, or grammar or even basic sentence structure. Most of them look like they've been written by 12 year old kids. And don't even get me started on the sound effects.

(Vikky) licked her b**** like a monster she was moaning “ohhhhaah hohohohaho hahhohoooooooooooooooo hohohohohhooooo hhhhhhhaahahaha hahahahaha haaaahhhhh”,

The imagery is so fucked up! And "hohoho"? "Hahahaha"? What the hell? Was it really necessary to tell everyone exactly what you heard? Don't get me wrong, like most of my sane-minded friends, I find these to be absolutely hilarious. Not to mention most of these hacks give out their stud-email at the end of a story. Yes, vikky_9in_4_u@dumbassmail.com I will definitely contact you, and sign you up to some English classes.

And if by some rare chance, you end up on one where the author has a firm grasp of English, he/she has lost every ounce of sanity. Like, as my friend was reciting a passage from one, "And then there was this story about a girl getting raped, and how 'she was happy that she was being raped by a bunch of educated and well dressed teenagers,' of whom, she could smell one's Armani perfume and in the end it says 'he moved away from the city, but i still remember that night and wish that wasn't the end" (not her exact words but you get the gist). The following describes my expression perfectly as she progressed through the passage.

=_= --> o_O ---> O_O ---> WTF?

(Maybe I should have renamed the post to "Of Desi Erotica. Fiction or Perverted Comedy?")

Back to the topic, she put me through my paces and made me recall alot of that buried trivia. Not fun. And call me old-fashioned, but I never expected to have such a convo with her.

Anyways, by the looks of it, I've started rambling. Don't blame me, its 4 am. and there's a mosquito filled with my blood poking its proboscis through the laptop's speakers.

Come to think of it, she’s still got that innocence with her, though it's slightly diminished, but what-the-heck!

[Hope this kept you entertained for a while. :) ]

Of Living in a New Country

At least I wouldn't have to fret about being run-over/shot/mugged whenever I go out of my house...

Not that it bothers me after living in the same conditions for over 5 years. Though a change would be nice!

Of.......

This is torture.

Imagine you trying to sleep in the hot afternoon with a throbbing headache. There is no light because KESC is being KESC. The generator is out of fuel. Just as you manage to fall into deep slumber, this happens:

MAHNOOR! MAHNOOR! MAHNOOR!
TWO PLUS FIVE EQUALS SEVEN!
AAB TUMHARI BAARI.
WHAT... IS... FIVE PLUS.. THREE.. DIVIDED BY THREE MULTIPLIED BY SEVEN EQUALS??

(Huge text? That's just for you to get an idea of how annoying it sounded. Don't think it's annoying? Should I color it in Bright Pink?)(So it's not pink... SUE ME!)

Now, since there was no electricity, hence no fan, hence my window was the only source of ventilation, which spider-maasi left open.

So in my sleepy stumbly state, I walked over to the window to see who or what was the source of the commotion and I saw a little girl talking to a her neighbour friend who was on the other side of the wall. Stupid Girl! Have they not heard of "play-date" or "day-spend"

Btw, this scenario has been happening quite often recently. Once upon a time in december, I'd be spared from the yelling for atleast 4-5 days a week. Now... EVERY BLOODY DAY THEY REVISE HALFASSED MATH!

I yell at them and their teenage aaya sticks her tongue out at me.

Oh, Spider Maasi is:

Spider-Maasi, Spider-Maasi, Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Maasi!
Can she swing from a web? No she can't! She's a Maasi!

Of a Haircut

Today, I went to get my hair cut.

Yes, it was a big deal. See, I haven't gone for one ever since September.

So, I scrounged up cash for the thing, and got one. Now my barber (whom I have to tip to stop him from screwing up) turns out is a desperate person. Okay, so its either him or the entire shop, since he was constantly trying to convince me to get a "facile". Then, he made a combo deal, buy the facile and get the head massage free.

Woah!.... NO WAY. (and not interested)

THOSE BLOODY TWEEPS ADDED Rs.10/- TO THE CUT! NOW IT'S 70! THAT'S MEAN!

Speaking of barbers, I wish they had used spell check when making their banners.
(With signs like these, do you blame me for going for a haircut after 5 months?

Hairs? Hairs? Hair has no Plural!
_______________________________________________
This here, is "Raiser's" Edge's window.....
Body Shop Facile? Fruit Facile? Whiting Facile? Harbal Facile?
(If memory serves, facile is a synonym for easy.
Hence it would read as: Body Shop Easy, Fruit Easy... lets leave it at there.)


And even if they do use Spell Check, get someone educated to at least proof read your text before you get your banner/shop-sign printed.

Second line: Here Salon. (Yes, I can see it's here... so... if we follow this train of logic all your advertisements would point to a map and say There Salon?

And the best so far... (thanks to Shani)
If Sweeny Todd was Pakistani, you'd find him here. Apt name for the establishment too! Good Luck we don't kill you. Good Luck we don't screw up your hair-do.

And the Ficial! Honestly. You don't need a war to win over Pakistan, just make the 14 million people of our country solve an English paper each. Focus on Grammar and Spelling and you'll conquer us.

Maybe I should start putting up the various essays I've collected from work over the last two years... that could be enjoyable?