Of 5th November

I really really want to sneak up behind someone with a pair of hairclippers and whisper in a hoarse voice: "I killed you 10 minutes ago, now I shave your head"

So, I'm a lazy bum. Apart from preparing for my entrance tests, I have been doing nothing of any importance. That's why, today being Guy Fawkes day, I decided to do something fun. Hence I made the mask. I wonder if they'll let me wear it in school. Oh well, I'll start paying attention to the blog soon. Like, once Sunday passes.

Cheers.

Of House

A man's in his appartment alone, watching TV. The words "and now for our feature presentation" can be seen on the screen. Suddenly, the man drops the remote, starts having a serizure, falls off the couch and begins to bleed from his eyes, ears etc.

He's probably going to die, since no one's there to call 911, so lets not worry about him by enjoying this chopped up instrumental bits of Tear Drop by Massive Attack

House: Okay, differential diagnosis people. Patient presents with

• sudden baldness,
• hoarse throat,
• x^3 + 5x^2 - 7x + 3 = 0

GO!

Smart-ass Guy: What about the bleeding-and-seizure-guy people saw at the start of the episode?
House: He's dead!
Prissy Guy: Really? * burst into tears *
House: Shut up or I will hit you. Focus on the symptoms on the board. Bleeding-and-seizure-guy was the end result. We're looking for the cause to his condition.
Over-eager Girl: Could be Lupus?
House: You've spent 5 years working with me, if there's one thing that's established it's that it is never Lupus. Also generic sexist remark
Prissy Guy: * still sobbing slightly * It has to be Lupus! We're dealing with a wolf!
House: * Whacks him with his cane, knocking him out * Idiot!
Smart-ass guy: If we focus on the alphabet in the third symptom, XXX could mean he's in the adult industry and contracted a virulent STD?
House: Close, but no cookie. He's bald because he shaved his head, hoarse because he thinks it's macho and the third is quite obvious. Wake Prissy Guy up and capture Vin Diesel for me.
Over-eager Girl: So he's not even a patient here?
House: Nope!
Smart-ass Guy: Why?
House: Because I don't like his movies. Time to put him down! * Psychotic Expression *



So. I finished 5 seasons of House M. D. It wouldn't take a genius to figure out that M.D. stands for Mad Doctor rather than Medicinæ Doctor after watching a handful of the episodes. Ordinarily I would have started off by pointing out all the bad stuff, like poor acting, thematic drug-use (which leads little teens to believe that drugs are good) and a doctor who hates you even before you meet him.

Sadly, the scenario above is, despite what it may seem, really fun to watch. Hence the show redeems itself because it's got 3 idiots and a psychotic Hugh Laurie as it's cast.

Every episode is somewhat formulaic with some random guy developing some random symptom and collapsing, followed by House and idiots having a "smart" discussion where House beats down each of their theories as to why random guy is dying the way he is. Pops a pain killer. Then he gets them to break into random guy's house, pops a painkiller, harass his family, pops a painkiller, and do a bunch of pointless and inconclusive tests, after which the patient develops 5 new symptoms. He also yells at idiots for their incompetence, yells at patient for lying, has lunch with some comatose guy, steals lunch off his only friend's plate, hits on his boss, and asks for favors (that test the boundaries of his friendship) from his friend in a random order.

So, his antics have killed around 35 minutes of the airtime. Now, he'll sit in his office, taking painkillers and playing with a ball, have a sudden epiphany and voila, he knows exactly what's wrong with the patient and cures him.

You're wondering what's the point of having idiots on a payroll if House can do the job by himself. He needs someone to insult, to boss around, and to talk to the patient. Actually there was one episode where he replaced the three idiots with a janitor and still got the job done. There are rumors that he's going to use a parrot mid-season 6. Imagine:

House: Patient banged his head against wall till his skull cracked and he started bleeding.
Polly: *Sqwak*
House: But that doesn't explain why it started bleeding
Polly: Lupus! Lupus *Sqwak*
House: It's not Lupus
Polly: Emo Blog! Emo Blog!
House: Close, but he doesn't have a computer!
Polly: Polly wanna Cracker *sqwak*
House: Yes, he might be psychologically ill.
House: Polly, break into Coma-Guy's house, then take a blood sample and ... you might want to ask the janitor to help you out with that...
Polly dons a pair of rubber gloves on it's feet and flutters off.

Watching House has made me realise something really important. The average American's immune system is really weak. So weak that if we were to feed them desi bun-kebabs straight off the vendor's cart, they would die easily. We practically live in mold, have landfills a stone's throw away, have more carbon di-oxide in our blood than oxygen, excrement laced water flooding our streets at regular intervals. Yet we're perfectly fine. Same cannot be said about the Americans.

Back on topic. House has the makings of an interesting show. Hey, the only reason I bother watching American TV is because it helps me focus on my creative tasks, like making flower capsules for sale or whatever you may. Yet, this show was fun enough to put a serious dent in my production speed.

Now, I download the 2 hour special season premier. House vs Mental Asylum. Finally a worthy adversary.

Of The Medicine Cabinet

(Okay, so that's not our medicine cabinet.)

Anyhoo, having a doctor for a dad can get harrowing at times. You know how you have over-protective parents who go "OMG! MY BABY!!" every time they see you fall? Well, dad kinda falls in that category.

See, I dunno if this is because he really loves us, or is trying to update his stock of pills, but this is a typical scenario in our house if you're ever caught doing anything that you wouldn't ordinarily do (it involves a mild cough, throat clearing, or even a sneeze)

Usually, any member of our family presents any symptom like toothache, headache, etc - he'll ask for the medicine box to be brought to him (It's actually one of those 2 litre ice-cream tubs) Then he'll rummage through the pills and pull out at least 3 different kinds. Problem solved.

Unusually, he'll start diagnosing us whether we are showing symptoms or not. Mom complains about a headache, Dad'll chalk it up to Low BP and prescribe a cup of coffee and a salted boiled egg. Sister complains about a stomach ache, she gets to chug down an anti-acid, an anti-ulcer, and a de-wormer.

So get this. I went downstairs last night and dad was in the kitchen chopping chicken necks to make Cat Food. I sneezed for some reason (maybe someone was talking about me behind my back?)

Me: Achooo!
Dad: (without looking up) Take a Panadol CF, an anti-histamine, and a cup of green-tea.
Me: Errr... It was just a sneeze.
Dad: Shutup and do as I say. My house, my rules.
Me: *sigh* *cough* *cough* *cough*
Dad: Drink some cough syrup too, and tomorrow you're going for your blood test.
Me: Errrr... I just inhaled some water... No big deal.
Dad: You're getting a blood test. Final.

Super-Doctor Dad .... is something I'd never dare call him.

Also, I found out that the Blood test people are really wasteful. I'm sure you've seen in western medical dramas when they're taking a blood sample, they first stab you with a special needle, then stick a vacuum-sealed test tube on the other end and it sucks out the required amount of blood.

Here, we surprisingly do have the vacuum-sealed tubes, but not the needles. So, first you get a syringe stuck in you, filled with blood, then stuck into the tube... i wonder what they do with the left over blood...

insights welcome.

Of Rainbows Smell Tangy. . .

. . . and other weird shit.

Now that I have your attention, I am going to try and go to sleep. Actually, I don't care. Feel free to ignore this post.

LALALALALALA

I never go "LALA"

Also, House M.D. Marathon. Will bitch when done!

Someone gimme the recipe for Chappati Nachos... I remember reading it somewhere

Of Being Anti-LOL

Everyone tells Jokes. Funny stuff needs to be shared. I am for the funneh.

However. I hate it when people laugh at their own jokes.

Case in point
Idiot says: Dude! do you know what PIA stands for? Huh huh huh do you?
Me: Errrr ... Pakistan International Airlines?
Idiot: Pfft! That's the actual name. It should stand for "Please, Inform Allah" AHahahahahahaha LOL
Me: . . . dumbass.

There should be a rule. People who tell jokes shouldn't be allowed to laugh at them, unless the listeners laugh first.

How many times have I come across stupid stuff like "so, like i was walking my dog down the road and this annoying guy was staring at me and i flipped him off LOL!"

(On a totally unrelated note, LOL happens to be a french film too... what are the odds)

Let me rephrase the initial statement. I don't want anyone to LOL after saying something. It's just pathetic and makes you sound desperate, kinda like the guy who wants to high-five everytime he makes an innuendo.

There's this idiot I knew long ago who LOLs about pretty much everything. Either the following lines are actually funny and I am too dull to notice, or she really needs to get off the dope.

(While answering a simple Hi, How're you)
Hi XYZ! lol
I have been good lol.
I'm just getting used to this again, lol.

You get the picture..

So, people. Whether it's a joke, or an insult. Do refrain from going LOL. A smirk is enough. If people want to find it funny, they will laugh. You just irritate me with your laughter for no apparent reason.

(Edit: 1/10/09 07:55) Also as Shinigami-Kun pointed out, LOL followed by LMAO or any other form of expressing laughter makes me want to blast your face off!

Of Eid

Belated Eid Mubarak to you all.

If you know me, I really do wish you all Eid Mubarak, since it's the only time of the year when poor unemployed people like us get any money (not counting the 200 bucks a month "pocket money")

Okay, that aside. Eid was horrible. Apart from the cheapskate relatives who won't cough up dough (yes, when it comes to Eid I am as greedy as a 10 year old... moving along) and the ones who cast you dirty looks because they don't approve your existence for a number of reasons, I really don't get why people focus on food.

Pakistanis have nothing better to do than eat. We call Americans fat, since they - well - are! But we obsess over food like anything. Whenever someone comes over to visit, we feed them. Lavish 72 dish courses with so many intermingled aromas that you're confused if you're looking at 72 different dishes or someone took those 72 dishes, dumped them into one cauldron, gave a quick whisk and plated them in 72 plates/bowls. Hey, if I ever find myself in a similar situation, and I absolutely have to feed guests, I'd go grab a few snack-packs of biscuits and give them cold water to down them.

I'm sick. I was horribly sick on Eid day, and my parents feel the need to keep appearances. That means, that I have to tag along to Aunty Farkhunda's house sit in a corner with a pale face ready to fall asleep. I don't get labelled "Biohazard - Keep Clear" because I'm sick. Instead I am "Attitude Bunny - Ill Mannered Asshole"

Then comes the food. "Beta, why don't you eat?"

I have the flu. My throat's practically closed up with mucus. I have trouble breathing, let alone talking. Yet people don't get it. Have a spicy kebab. How about a glass of ice cold Pepsi.

Dare refuse them 15 times consecutively and the entire family, from 2 year old Tipu to 80 year old, one legged Nana Jan, start chanting: "EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT!"

They have home base advantage in that situation.

When they're visiting, and we have home base advantage, it's still the same. However this time around they guilt you into eating.

"Look at him, he's not eating. We feel bad stuffing ourselves while he sits there eating. What happened beta, mommy starving you to death? Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat."

or

"Why isn't he eating? Did you poison the cake? Did he poison the cake? (laughs) Eat beta, Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat. Eat."

CUT ME A BREAK!
(sadly in my current state it would be more like: "cu..*cough* t..me *cough* *cough* *hack* *wheeze* a.....*)

Of *Yawn*

I've been sick the last two weeks.

Between the flu and sore throat, I didn't feel like doing much. Neither do I feel like doing much at the moment. Suffice to say, I'm alive.

Of Something I Wonder.

How desperate must one be for any sort of activity on one's blog, that one must resort to accepting comments from the one person who's constantly reminding them how worthless they truly are?
This post was sponsored by the letters S, L, I, P, K, N, O, and T

Of * Drum Roll *

Hello. This guy here, is a cop from Jackie Chan's ancient martial arts movie "Police Story". In fact he's somewhat a partner to Inspector Chan (Inspector Jackie Chan - say it like Sean Connery would). As fate would have it, he goes to the bad guys for money and is asked to kill Inspector Chan, which he agrees to.

Behold! He is Inspector Man.

Not only do the partners' names rhyme, but they both have super powers. Inspector Chan was bitten by a radioactive Kung Fu Monkey, can give your ass a serious beatdown.

Inspector Man, however, wasn't bitten by anything. In fact, the only superpower he has is going down after taking two bullets into the chest. That and framing Inspector Chan for his murder.

Of Computer Woes

Running a Windows based system is quite like working in an old-folks home or in the terminally-ill patients wing in a hospital. I'm not kidding.

See, like these places, your Windows will experience something never before seen in software the physical manifestation of "age". Sure, the bright tech-heads amongst you may point out that a "shifting" of bytes does occur when running any software. A simple defragmentation should take care of that.

Nope. Windows is like Old Mr. Smith (who's 90+) or Little Timmy (suffering from ikillyou-itis) in the sense that just as their systems would slowly give out, maybe bladder problems or internal bleeding, Windows experiences the same thing. It will slow down, the cursor will creak when moving (a common case of mouse-arthritis) or will spontaneously move without you even willing it to.

You will find that no matter how many programs you delete, files you remove, you aren't gaining as much memory as there was before said programs came. And, in the end it's just an excuse for an operating system running on life-support in the form of Virus (or Registry, Malware, Spyware, Adware, Rootkit) Scans, System Recovery Tools, Disc Defrags, RAM Optimisers. They don't speed up your computer, rather they just make sure it runs for another week or so (until the trial period runs out)

And then comes the inevitable. It can occur in two ways. Either one fine day you show up for duty and find that Little Tim... wait, back up. Either one day you find that your computer won't boot up any more. Promise it whatever you may - a new hard-drive, a fresh installation, a snuggly puppy - it won't boot up.

Alternatively, it could be that you decide that it's time to let Mr. Smi... your computer go (I really need to stop confusing my analogies with reality.) You save it's will (basically all your songs, documents, pictures that aren't already on FaceBook, and even the erotic chats with your numerous "soul-mates" and "spouses to be". Then you do the inevitable. Now, you can either pay someone who knows their way around pulling the switch or if you're adventurous, you can do the deed yourself.

Either way. Once your computer expires. You receive another one. Now, if you were able to plan its demise, you can begin to start convincing it that he is Mr. Smith (Not Mr. John) or Little Timmy (Not Little Lisa) and begin the cycle anew.

All this rambling is because I spent the entire night running all sorts of scans just to remove one blasted piece malware. I ended up downloading 5 different programs (Not counting those pathetic ones that ask you to buy the application to remove one measly file) running them all in safe-mode before managing to kill it.

All those people who are giggling because they use Apple and Windows sucks, can you honestly fix your computer without having to go on an Apple Help Forum. All I see is Apple Freaks left and right whining about how to install xyz or how to connect to the net or something equally stupid. But hey, you guys deserve a post all to yourselves.

(I apologise to anyone who has lost a loved one to old age or something incurable. Making fun of their demise was not my intention)