Of Why I Wish Pakistan Was California

Really, and it's not because of the beaches and the babes... that's just second on my list of priorities.

Who is the Governor of California? That's Right! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Arnie Bhai!

I am a huge fan of Arnie movies. And if you've only seen the the Terminator series, stop reading right now, go rent True Lies, Commando, Total Recall, Predator, Eraser and Last Action Hero.

That said, the charm of any Arnie movie is not the story. Heck in those days the story was too formulaic. In a nutshell any movie falling in the Lone Hero Action genre followed the typical pattern:

1. Hero has retired from his ways of killing and saving people to live with his relatives in peace.

2. Villain decides to either:
--> a Hold-a-lot-of-people-hostage-including-the-Hero's-relative get rich quick scheme
-->Kill/hold hostage Hero's relatives to exact revenge on Hero, for foiling get rich quick scheme / killing Villain's own evil relative, by luring him into Villainous Base peppered with henchmen.

3. Hero arms himself to the teeth, goes after Villain, killing most of the henchmen is creative ways. Note that minions are cannon fodder, and disposed of easily, whereas henchmen are the sleazy lot who directly answer to the villain and are mentioned by character's name in the ending credits.

4. Villain threatens Hero's relative with torture and death, enraging the hero

5. Hero kills Villain and saves the day. Also disables any bomb(s) before the countdown reaches "00:01"

That being said. The main objective of these movies wasn't a story that moved you to the point of tears or make you sit and wonder the philosophical implications of the story. It was to showcase the stunt team's outrageous ideas and how the effects team made you believe that everything you saw was real. As for the writers, they shone the brightest by writing dialogue for the Hero. Nothing complicated or intense mind you, just some awesome sound bytes shoved in between punches.

Some awesome Arnie Quotes:

Movie: Commando (Arnie is Matrix)
Bad Guy: You scared, m****f****? Well, you should be, because this Green Beret is going to kick your big ass!
Matrix: I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I'm very hungry!

[Plane refuses to start, and the minions are catching up]
Matrix: Come on, you piece of shit.
[Punches the controls]
Matrix: Fly or die!
(And somehow, the plane starts - I bet Top Gun Man would have an issue with this, but I found it hilarious. Especially since a few moments back Arnie bashed a guy's head into a pole repeatedly just to knock him out)

Movie: Total Recall (Arnie as Quaid)
[So, Arnie's wife is trying to kill him, since he's uncovered a huge conspiracy where he's being used and his wife's one of the main ringleaders. Wife's beaten Arnie to the ground and is about to stab him when he grabs a nearby pistol and shoots her in the head]
Quaid: Consider that a divorce!

Quotes aside, the way Arnie goes about rescuing someone is equally entertaining. Like for example, anyone who's seen True Lies would remember the Harrier scene near the end. Arnold's daughter's been kidnapped by Muslim terrorists and being held on like the 50th floor of a skyscraper. His solution? He flies a Harrier and uses the onboard rail-gun to kill everyone while his daughter hides somewhere. Skip a bit forward. Muslim terrorists in a helicopter are trying to blow Arnie out of the sky, their leader and Arnie's daughter are hanging on for dear life on the wings of the Harrier. Well, the leader is trying to stab both of them to death. Suddenly (after daughter is in the cockpit) the leader slips and wedgies himself onto a missile. Arnie, being a man of very very few words says this: "You're Fired!" and launches the missile towards the helicopter.

Can you expect that level of awesome from our leaders? Fine, I may be blurring the lines between movies and reality. But come on! When Musharraf was coming to overthrow Nawaz Sharif, Nawaz decided not to let his plane touch the tarmac. Can you imagine Musharraf storming into the cockpit and kicking the controls yelling"LAND OR DIE!" Can you imagine a Musharraf cornering a supremely outraged Nawaz in front of the presidential palace's geyser, ripping off a 6 inch thick steel pipe and throwing it at Nawaz and saying, "Let off some steam" (pipe gone through Nawaz and geyser, billowing out hot steam).

Leave all that, can you imagine letting Musharraf lose in Buner, N.W.F.P to deal with the Taliban threat? 5 Hours later he comes out, clothes tattered and caked blood and grime all over him, followed by gracious (and liberated) hostages, carrying three children in his arms, only to meet G.W.Bush there to getting ready to fight his war on terror with his predator drones and what not. G.W. sees Musharraf and asks, "Musharraf! Leave anything for us?" Musharraf looks with a steely gaze at G.W. and says "Only Bodies"

If that actually happened, America would never dare touch Pakistan. Sadly, our leaders aren't that cool.

Sorry for making this post chronologically ancient. Thanks to Zardari's new law to imprison people who make fun of him, I had to go back in time and use older, less entertaining examples. After all, I've already lost 4 years on my education, I don't want to make that 4 into an 18!

This post in no way makes fun of Zardari (hey, his name's mentioned only twice and one pronoun)

Of A Whacky Dream

I've officially reached the point where I don't know what's real anymore.

I am waiting for Morpheus to come and ask me to take a pill. Then I'd Kung-Fu . . . Not like an obese panda mind you.

I woke up 15 minutes ago. Had the most senseless dream ever. Filled with Arnie Quotes and Random explosions (I vaguely remember my sandwich exploding at one point, and my wallet at another) in the end, Dad comes and gives me a Nestle's Apple Juice, which I take and go to sleep.

Problem is, I woke up with the juice pack under my pillow. =/

Arnie post needs some work. Will be up soon.

Of A New Coat Of The Same Paint

Why change something that's working so well for you?

So, the only thing that bugged me about Blogger's templates was the fact that they wasted 3 inches of screen real estate. Rather than make my posts look obscenely long (because sometimes they are) I wanted to utilise those 3 inches somehow. Scouring online templates didn't yield any results since I loved the whole dark green /blue potato-ness the blog already reeked off.

... I was supposed to rant about Arnold Schwarzenegger (without spellcheck I'd never be able to type out his name.) But I guess that's postponed till I wake up.

So, today I installed Dreamweaver MX in hopes of editing the .xml file of the layout. Dreamweaver went over my head. Next I installed Frontpage. Same thing, though this time, it just gave me a huge page of code and gibberish.

So, using trusty old Notepad, and Photoshop, I edited the values painstakingly, made a new banner since the old one didn't fill up the space.

Anyhoo. It's 5:00 AM. Sehri Time in a bit.

Your task, dear reader, is simple. To the right you see a poll. Vote. And if you have something additional to say, then comment here.

Cheers and Good Morning to you all!

Of Rain Rain Whattay Pain

Last thing my TV said to me yesterday morning was:

And the steady rainfall in Karachi has made things really pleasant for the people, about a 100 KESC feeders tripped causing 12 hour blackouts in some areas, A dozen people died due to electrocution....

That's it. Then the cable shut off. No TV. No Interwebs. No nothing. GAH!

Also, I was called "king" by a commenter, which led me to remember MegaDeth's "Kill the King". Which provoked this itch in me to listen to the band again. And I didn't have a single song because I had to make room for my Orange Range collection. Do you realise how annoying it is to have your head buzzing with "Peace Sells... Peace Sells.. But Who's Buying??" and "I'll Get Even With You" and whatever other scraps of songs I could remember. Finally having the interwebs back online means I can listen to them! :D (Also, this is pretty much how any of my obsessions start)

Of ...Ummmm.. ??

All together now: "Haaaainnnnn?"
* tilt head to one side *

What were they thinking when they named it? What the hell happened to Scotch Brite and it's ultra idiotic knock-off Sketch-Bright (or something similar) Was the creative team high? Or is there a slogan I'm missing out on (Like "Virgin Scrubbing Pad: Makes your Pots and Pans, Pure and Clean")

Of AGH!

It's another slow blog day.

So, since I'm searching for Internet Memes and I doubt you know what they are, I'll share an obscure one with you

An Internet Meme is anything that's spread so much and gains popularity overnight that people use it as a reference or some obscure joke or make modified versions of it. LOLCats and Chuck Norris Facts are two such internet memes. Heck, even Rick Rolling is one of them. And I won't spoil the fun if you don't know what Rick Rolling is.

Other than that, here's an awesome video by some Black Metal Band. Just the intro is worth making you laugh.

Of . . . Something. . . I dunno?

Slow Blog Day.
The Comics didn't make me LOL
The blogs i read/stalk don't have any new posts.
The iftar party (and it wasn't a party) I went to was boring.

Bleh.

Read older posts and comment. Plzktnx! =^.^=

Of Aunties, Uncles and Cell Phones

Okay. Honestly raise your hand if you're stuck with a crappy cellphone.

On second thought, since I can't see your hands, quit being silly and lower them.

Do you know what the recent thing is that boils my blood? People owning things that are way beyond their technical know-how.

This is particularly true about cellular phones.

Wealthy old aunties and uncles will be seen in possession of a cell that costs 50K or so. I mean the latest model of the best company, which can turn into a surveillance helicopter, a directional mic, can take super-detailed pictures where you can count the number of blackheads on the subjects nose.

Yet, here's the kicker, they only know how to dial a person's number, read a message and receive a call. That's about it. In some cases (like one of my friends' aunt) the person doesn't even know how to read a message or dial a number, someone just taught them the speed-dial sequence to call home, husband, and driver.

WHAT THE HELL. I'd kill for a super cool phone. Why does a twit who does nothing but take self portraits, sms, and call, get a phone with a built in OCR that can convert snapshots of business cards into contacts. I'm sick of trying sort out my business cards and keeping them in boxes. Or an uncle who can only press the green call accept button and the red call reject button get a state-of-the-art smartphone?

You know there should be a small Q/A session before the shop sells someone a cell. You could get a friend and read it out loud.

Mediocre Uncle Scenario

Shop Keeper: Hello! Are you here to buy a cellphone?
Customer: Yes, I am!
Shop Keeper: So, what is your price range?
Customer: Around 20,000.
Shop Keeper: d00d! that's quite a bit. What do you need a cellphone for?
Customer: Oh the usual. Calling, setting an alarm, forwarding cheap jokes to people I barely know.
Shop Keeper: In that case, you can buy one of our "Works-But-That's-About-It" Phones. Only or 18,999/-

Self Obsessed Teeny Bopper Scenario.

Shop Keeper: Hell...
Customer: Listen, like I don't have time so like quickly give me one of the Super-Duper-Phones like 10 seconds ago.
Shop Keeper: Little girl, do you have the money to pay for it?
Customer: Like, who do you think I am? My daddy gave me, like, his credit card and told me to, like, buy a new cell.
Shop Keeper: Okay, our Super-Duper-Phones have a 25 MP camera with 16x Optical Zoom, IR and UV modes and has a built-in OCR. What are you going to use it for?
Customer: Taking, like, my pictures in front of, like, the mirror in my bathroom, totally obviously.
Shop Keeper: Errr... Okay, it's even got the brand new EDGE 2 for internet connectivity, what are you going to use that for?
Customer: Like totally checking my Facebook obviously. Wait, can I, like, update my emo blog on it too?
Shop Keeper: Ummmm, yes you can. Final question. Why do you need a new phone
Customer: See, like last week Saniya's daddy got her a totally new phone and she's been showing it off like it's her own, and it's like totally pissing me off!
Shop Keeper: Oh-kay. I'm sorry, but you qualify for a Oh-God-Brat's-Self-Obsessed. It comes in black and red. Credit Card Please!

Illiterate Mela Scenario

(You need to pronounce each word like it's written)

Shop Keeper: Hello Customer. How may I help you?
Customer: Hallu! Aye am heer to buy ay nu cell foon
Shop Keeper: What are you looking for in your new cell phone.
Customer: Farstly it's foon not phon. Maind eet. Aye wantz a foon that take my many peekchurs and aye can zoom in on tha chikni larki akross lectur hall.
Shop Keeper: Okay, a camera, and?
Customer: Dant yew bees smarty with me. Aye am thinkingz. Eet Shoud also be havingz big speekeers. So aye can be playing cheep sangs for chikni larki.
Shop Keeper: Speaker.... and?
Customer: Bola na tereko. Maind eet. Eet Shoud also bees shainy. You know sparkle sparkle?
Shop Keeper: Okay, That's it?
Customer: Yas. That bees eet.
Shop Keeper: Here you go sir. Your "I'm a maila londa" phone. You may think it looks like the cheapest phone available with a fake camera spray painted silver and dipped in glitter, but that's just your imagination.

Old Socialite Aunty Scenario

Shop Keeper: Hello Customer. How may I help you?
Customer: Beta, my kids told me key "Mummy you should buy a cellphone. It's the in thing" Show me a model that I can show off to my friends at parties. One of those "Super-Dooper-Diamond-Studded" phones look nice
Shop Keeper: Can you take pictures?
Customer: Aab iss umer mein tasveerin ley ker kiya ker na
Shop Keeper: Do you need to check your email?
Customer: Female? yes yes beta, Mein Female hi hoon.
Shop Keeper: -_-; Do you know how to SMS?
Customer: yeh EssEmmEss kiya hota hai beta
Shop Keeper: Can you call?
Customer: Haan! Beti ney sikhaya tha, show me that phone?
Shop Keeper: Here... why?
Customer: Beti ney bola tha, pehley red button press kero, phir 1 press kero beti ko call kerney key leay, phir green button press kero aur kaan se laga lo. Arrey, woh toou toou nehi baj raha.
Shop Keeper: Here, give me that. You qualify for our "Can-Barely-Use-The-Damn-Thing" line of phones. Thank You for shopping.

There you go. With such protocols in check, everyone will have a phone they deserve.

On a slightly unrelated note, my uncle just got a state of the art Alienware M17, for Accountancy Work. WTH Man?

Edit: In case you don't know, an Alienware M17 is a high end gaming laptop. Superfast, awesome display, humongous hard drive capacity. And it's being used to run MS Excel and MS Word

Of Dreams Dreamt at Forum

Okay, so last night I was totally zoned out.

You know how there are those stupid kids who have to do something stupid? Like go the opposite way blind-folded in one-way traffic.

So, the Forum has two escalators, for the super lazy. One goes up and the other comes down. What is it about moving stairs and people's thirst to go the opposite way. Is it like some sort of extreme treadmill? What we saw at the Forum:

Why do people always climb a descending escalator? Well, the idiot did, and when he reached (2) he stumbled (Hey I was younger than him when I climbed the PIA one without stumbling), and his siblings who were so tiny that their heads barely came above the hand-rail followed him. His Dad (I assume it was Dad and not some random stranger) told him to get off. Poor kid, he was nearly at the top too.

What I wanted to see the kid do:

It would have been so cool if something like this happened. Instant movie making opportunity. Sadly no one does these types of things anymore.

Oh and on a side note, Some "AMIT" guy decided that he'll advertise his website on my blog. Idiot. I am desperate for comments. But not THAT desperate.

Of More Reading Material

Let me introduce you to Kasana-San's blog.

It's surprisingly fun to read. I say surprisingly, because I've known about the blog's existence for nearly a year now, and I just started reading it.

Hey, it's not my fault. Or Hers. Her blog was sandwiched between:
- A girl who takes pictures of weird ass stuff and looks up some random word in a thesaurus and captions said picture with said word. I mean, how can a pile of cards strewn across the floor be labeled as "obnoxious"
- Another girl who whines about her ex day in and day out.

Oh and all the other blogs shared one thing in common. They were black. Now, unless you write something totally eye catching I'm so not going to read it. I stay away from black. Period. Black is the sign of something dark depressing and emo.

So anyways, check out the blog. You won't find copy-pasted lyrics of songs, or sad emo bitching. You will enjoy reading it. This sucks as a sales pitch. GO. READ. NOW.

And you know something is worth reading if it's in my Blog Roll Thingy.