Of Cover Girls and The Pakistani Vison of Beauty

The Pakistani idea of beauty is a very weird one indeed. I am not talking about the high society English magazines that litter the bookstalls, nor the burger-fied concept promoted by the western infidels (which comes down to the same thing)… but the desi vision of beauty, the kind that graces our local magazines like Jasoosi Digest, Khawateen Digest, Shuwaa, Pakeeza etc

Observe. Okay, so all of them are your run of the mill Khawateen Digests that my mum and my grandma reads.


Pfft. Usually, the models have out of focused eyes, overly made up faces and a “sexy” expression on their faces. See how “sexy” they look? Especially the top left and the bottom right one. WOOHOO!


Shani's sister's wedding in around 12 hours or so... This is Pakistan my Jaan.. NOTHING happens on time! HAHA! I got invited, you didn't. Not to mention that I've been assured time and time again that the menu will follow the traditional guidelines. These guidelines can be found here

Of Aisha Aki Ataka and Birthday Greetings

I love getting letters. Ask anyone who knows me and you'll find out that I go extremely hyper over mail.

I had a shitty day today. The details aren't important.

So I was sleeping like a log when my sister barges in and tells me I got a letter (I didn't go hyper). I went down and saw the postman standing at the gate (I still didn't go hyper). The post man gave me a letter. A yellow tiny envelope with this shocking red/pink tape sealing the flap.

AISHA AKI ATAKA sent me a Letter all the way from Japan.

(I went hyper)

So, she's gone to Japan for the time being and I wish I was there too. She even got to meet the bassist(?) of ORANGE RANGE. It's a big deal, though when she told me I treated it like an everyday occurrence (Hey, I was jealous *sad face* )

And I got into a fight with her. So I've been feeling bad about the fight for quite a while. I mean being an ass is cool and all... But the way I acted was excessive. Gomenasai Aisha-chan, Honto ni.

So I get the letter, which I came to realise was sent a few days before the fight. I got such a cute card. Loads and Loads of monkeys. YAY! and it had a comic strip on the front and a squeezed up letter on the back of the monkeys. I almost didn't notice the little wad of paper inside the envelope containing a small picture and a note about it. It was the best birthday wish so far. The monkeys have "Congrats" printed on their bellies

This was the highlight of my day! And Aisha, if you are reading this, Thank you, Really. I loved the letter/card/picture/envelope(stamp?).

Of Bun-Kebab Stalls and Over-Hearing Things

I was at a Bun-Kebab/Samosa shop, buying some samosas for this little beggar-brat and two of his lackeys (My reasons shall remain unstated) and I heard the owner yelling at the deep-frying person. I did manage to catch a part of the convo, which for some reason amused me.

"...Tu Angraizi Gaaney Gaata hai? Tum ko kiya lagta hai, Mujhey nehi pata tu kaam theek nehi ker raha. Aur Saaley B****** ki A****, tu phir mujhey aangarizi gaaney sunata hai? Ek lagaaon ga, saarey gaaney bhool jaye ga..... Ab jaldi sey bhai key chey samosay dey"

And while he threatened to hit the guy, he had one of those huge seived scoops that you use to fish out deep fried stuff.

Personally, I enjoyed this comical encounter, as usually such encounters have more swearing and less comic relief.

Of Pentium 4s Being Sold by the Kilo

What's written (in case your urdu's pathetic):

"Save Thousands of Rupees, Weigh your computer and Buy it.
Pentium IV Computer only for Rs.399 per Kilo
Note: Pentium 4 Computers, with guarantee, weighing at 10-15 kilos are available here."

Okay, so I changed the grammar a little. But the point remains the same. I mean, who bothers getting a 20K computer with all the bells and whistles. Here you can buy a P4 for a maximum of Rs. 6000/- Hell you can even give one to your maid's son, and the chowkidaar (so he can make an inventory of all the bullets he "lost") and the Pathan construction worker who lives across the street.

Picture by Shahrukh Baloch.

(Heck, I could save up and start my own LAN gaming cafe. WOOHOO!!)

Of Meeting My Granddad and Random Walks

I went to meet my Grand-Dad today (maternal one). And meeting him put a lot of things in perspective. Like how limited your time is on this Earth, and how once you die, people don't really give a fuck about you. Hell he's got so many relatives here in the city, yet no one came and even bothered asking the caretaker to wash his grave?

So therefore, from now on, I've decided not to waste my time on people that aren't worth the effort, and to make sure that those that are worth the effort, are treated as such. Which means I have to make amends with a few people. I just hope that these said people give me another chance to make it up to them.


On a much lighter note, I love to walk, and if you have been reading this blog often you'd realise that a lot of my posts have mentioned me walking. And today I went to the Forum again! This time, I was accompanied by Shani himself. The reason I was in the Forum today was because I wanted to get my invitation card for Shani's sister's wedding.

I made a few observations.

1. Shani says that when he was a kid, he was actually fat. If you were to see him as he is now, he's extremely thin. Like Liposuction-Gone-Wrong-Thin.

2. Whenever we are in the Forum, we just talk and walk. We don't just randomly walk here and there, we go to the first floor and continuously walk in a clockwise direction! He didn't admit it at first but we do!

3. We didn't got to One Pee Two Pee! We went to JAN'S

Oh and he's got the cutest lil nephew. I shouldn't say anything bad about him... or his mom will kill me!! :D

Khair, fun day. I'm off to sleep!

Of An Independence Deserved?

Today is the 14th of August. The day Pakistan and India became separate nations. Personally, I preferred the old setup. At least I'd be able to visit Ambarin, Moresha, Nirja and even Khurram (though he'd prolly greet me with an "Abey tu yahan bhi aa gaya??")

I mean, we don't deserve such an independence where when on the 61st Birthday, you pick up your newspaper and the headlines gracing it are:

• Bomber draws blood on Independence Day eve
• Explosions near Wana kill 12 militants; missile attack suspected
• Villagers kill six militants
• Musharraf calls for end to confrontation
• Sindh PA seeks impeachment
• Authorities sitting tight as bloodshed continues
• Dozens injured in Kashmir protests
• Militants stop people from leaving Bajaur
• Hostage doctor killed with eight captors
• Six killed, 19 injured in Balochistan attacks

If Pakistan was a person. I am sure he/she/it would share my dislike for his/her/it's birthday as much as me, if not more.

I mean, where is the Cheerful Caption Emblazoned on the front page of each and every newspaper wishing Pakistan a happy and bright future? I am sure, that supplement that was stuffed inside somewhere in the stack of newspapers was read by a lot of people, considering the quality of the material used. Who knows, people might not have even looked at it.

So I do agree with everyone who says that Patriotism Doesn't Pay. I mean, our country has been going down-hill for quite a while. Whether it's the shady politics or the fact that we are so friendly, we've even given the Taliban access to our country, and now they plan on taking over Karachi!! We've kicked off the only person who, when came to power, made sure the crime rate decreased (although he did get soft over the years)

Yes, Happy Independence Day! I am sure we are all Proud Pakistanis

If Pakistan was a person. I am sure he/she/it would share my dislike for his/her/it's birthday as much as me, if not more.

I mean, where is the Cheerful Caption Emblazoned on the front page of each and every newspaper wishing Pakistan a happy and bright future? I am sure, that supplement that was stuffed inside somewhere in the stack of newspapers was read by a lot of people, considering the quality of the material used. Who knows, people might not have even looked at it.

So I do agree with everyone who says that Patriotism Doesn't Pay. I mean, our country has been going down-hill for quite a while. Whether it's the shady politics or the fact that we are so friendly, we've even given the Taliban access to our country, and now they plan on taking over Karachi!! We've kicked off the only person who, when came to power, made sure the crime rate decreased (although he did get soft over the years)

Yes, Happy Independence Day! I am sure we are all Proud Pakistanis

Of Southpaws and Same Greedy People

So guess what I found out today? It's the International Lefty Day! WooHoo! In your superiority complex's face all you righty people.

Being a Lefty is such a hard job. You have to make do with things that aren't even designed for you. Not to mention that everyone is after your life to use your right hand. I mean, fine, our religion dictates we use our right hand. From a rhetorical point of view, just for a moment, assume that the Prophet was a lefty. Now what? you are going to beat the crap out of every Muslim child born using his right hand? See, that's the thing I hate about being a Lefty living in a Muslim community. Every single person takes it upon himself/herself to preach to me that I am committing a sin by using my left hand.

Same's with my students. For them (even the lefties) a grown-up using their left hand is a mystery. They see me writing and this takes place:

Student: *stares at me writing*
Me: *without looking up* "Hmm? What?"
Student: *keeps staring*
Me: *looking up at the student* "Yes, may I help you?"
Student: "N..n..nothing Sir"
Me: "Then go!"
Student: "Sir are you a lefty?"
Me: *grumbling under my breath* (Jahil baccha. Can he/she not see the hand I am using?)
Student: "Sir?"
Me: "Yes, I am. Now go!"

And then the whispering starts: "Dekho, Sir is a lefty" , "Saachi?" , "SIR!! Are you a Lefty?" This is the point where I quit working and sigh to myself.

In all due politeness, to everyone who thinks lefties are bad, SCREW YOU! I mean what right do you have to tell us which hand we are to use? Left hand feeds the devil.. Okay! So everyone who wants to lose a few pounds eat with your left hand.

Ambarin, a really great friend of mine, is a victim of the anti-lefty crusade. She was born a lefty, but thanks to her mother, she had to switch to using her right hand. Okay, so in a way it's made her slightly ambidextrous. Or should I say "Amby-dexterous"

See! this is the reason why Lefties make 13% of the world population. If being a left-hander wasn't so frowned upon and shown in a negative light, there would be more lefties.

Anyways. On a side note, my result's out.. actually has been out for the last 4 days, and I being the "super-chicken" that I am (Thank you D!) have yet to check it. But sadly, People have taken upon themselves to continuously ask me for it. So they are just being nosy na? WRONG! That same teacher who wanted me to give him a birthday treat said this today

"Mein ney sunna hai key aap ka result aa gaya hai? Treat kab mil rahi hai?"

ARGH! Not only are people nosy, but greedy too. Anyways, why do people assume I'd do good, after all, my ex has made it a habit to point out what a fuck-up I am when it comes to things that matter.

MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS!

Of Extremely Huge Fans

Our Photocopier-Man has the largest ceiling fan ever! It's so huge it ain't even funny man!!

Each blade is a GIANT 1.5 feet long!!!

Of Dwellings Renovated and Repulsive.

Following the same line of thought that I started last post, I shall show you an example. The said example is the house of my friend before he was brutally kicked out. (I miss the pointless walks where we ended up getting groceries for your mum)

Anyways,
Exhibit A:
This was his house when he used to live here. Notice the simplicity, the slight slanted roof, the black gate, the off-white complexion of the house. The coolest bit is that even though you can barely make it out, there is a castle-keep like wall surrounding the roof. But sadly, as soon as he left the house went under metamorphosis.


Exhibit B:And then the renovations began. The house turned pink, got a wooden gate (which will show water damage like no tomorrow) they even removed the castle-keep like roof and, not to mention his room's window got a balcony type frame around it (its obscured by the tree in both pictures)

So all in all, the house's become fugly in my opinion. and hopefully my friend's opinion too.

Now excuse me, I owe my friend enough to get even with the house

*Goes off to find a bucket of water*

Of Not Judging a House by it's Design

.... But Judging it by the ornaments on/near its gate

I mean, sure.. we've all seen houses on the street that look like drunken master pieces. like when the architect was making the model, he took a block of polystyrene and hacked at it with a hot knife till it remotely looked like a space that people could inhabit, added a few windows and voila! A House!

But that's the architect's fault. However, one should not underestimate the average person's sense of decorum. We desi's have this natural talent of making a pretty decent place look absolutely hideous. We'll paint the house bright orange, or place weird ornaments on the gate, or try to give it a cultural look and fail miserably.

Just look at this. Now imagine the owner to be a heavy set phelwan. I mean he's got the whole scary-I'm-gonna-kill-you vibe going. Give him 5-8 years and he'll be old and balding, walking with a walking stick and perpetually stooped. Now that's not so scary. Truth is I haven't seen the owner. So, I cannot make an assumption as to what he looks like. For all we know he could be one of those comb-over weedy looking types that wear their trousers/shalwars up to their necks

On to the second picture. Now that's just wrong. It's supposed to be a Lion, but sadly the artist didn't know what a lion looked like so he took the picture of a starved bear and gave it a mane.

Sheesh! I know you all have your own taste in art, but please, for the love of all that is holy (and your kids reputation) think before you start throwing all this junk around the house calling it "decoration"

I mean, if I was to ever marry, and have kids I would certainly try and keep my house nondescript. I don't want my kids to suffer because Daddy thought it would be cool to put a cage of monkeys by the front gate, so that whenever some visitor shows up they are immediately showered with primate-poop.

Now all that is left is to have kids, for which I'll need a house and a wife. For which I'll need someone who's equally insane as I and a lot of money. For money, send it in gift cards to My P.O. Box (which will be stated later) for Matrimonials, add me on Shaadi.com. my alias is Danger-Aaloo.

Damn... I am so pathetic!! Hahaha

[In a Squeaky Voice]

Lonely I'm so lonely,
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,

Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out...oh fuck it!
*Shoots Self*