Of.... Innocence Lost? =/

Okay, so a couple of hours ago I got off the phone with this friend of mine.

Let me tell you about this girl before we even touch the actual topic of this post. So, this friend of mine (whom I won't name due to the relative embarrassing nature of this post) is super fun to talk to, cute and ends up saying ridiculously adorable stuff. Oh and when it comes to the pleasures of adulthood she's got the mentality of a 4 year-old. If you have read QuestionableContent, she's somewhat like Hannelore. (Yes, girl-on-whom-blog-post-is-based that's a good thing.)

I mean, we've all had the basic know how of everything, ranging from porn to sex and etc. She, however, doesn't understand what the big deal is; how come the porn industry is the largest industry there is, how humans have classified sex into stages as if it was a rocket launching. You people might think it's quite weird, but I would give an arm to have that innocence back. At least the plethora of useless trivia shoved steadily down my throat (it is a horrible analogy but what-the-heck) since my first day in 6th grade is something I'll be glad to be rid of.

No more shall I have the horrible images of necrophilia or other stuff too horrible to write about.

So, the topic at hand, Lost Innocence. No, it doesn't have anything to do with going into manhood or similar shit (there are other blogs for that.) It deals with my friend being 'educated' by one of her friends.

Needless to say, it was like listening to a really happy kid who learnt something new and wanted to share with her friend. And just guess what that friend of hers (we shall call him IS for now. IS = Innocence Smasher) . . . IS used to educate her with. Google Images and Desi Sex Stories.

Dude! Even Wikipedia is better at explaining stuff!

Our entire conversation was based on what she learnt. From the fat aunty's butt in skinny black lingerie, to the blog of sex stories ... desi sex stories that is ... she was introduced to. The old aunties and uncles getting it on is just gross. The desi sex industry is one of the reasons the west should never merge with the east. And the stories are just full of either rape, or incest or neighbourhood-aunty-love

Her reaction to all of this. She found the entire concept of sex "funny". So yes Mr. Innocence Smasher, you didn't educate her, just made her curious enough to quote random sentences from those horrible stories.

Have you Dear Readers, ever stumbled across one? They are horrible. I mean, they have no sense of spellings, or grammar or even basic sentence structure. Most of them look like they've been written by 12 year old kids. And don't even get me started on the sound effects.

(Vikky) licked her b**** like a monster she was moaning “ohhhhaah hohohohaho hahhohoooooooooooooooo hohohohohhooooo hhhhhhhaahahaha hahahahaha haaaahhhhh”,

The imagery is so fucked up! And "hohoho"? "Hahahaha"? What the hell? Was it really necessary to tell everyone exactly what you heard? Don't get me wrong, like most of my sane-minded friends, I find these to be absolutely hilarious. Not to mention most of these hacks give out their stud-email at the end of a story. Yes, vikky_9in_4_u@dumbassmail.com I will definitely contact you, and sign you up to some English classes.

And if by some rare chance, you end up on one where the author has a firm grasp of English, he/she has lost every ounce of sanity. Like, as my friend was reciting a passage from one, "And then there was this story about a girl getting raped, and how 'she was happy that she was being raped by a bunch of educated and well dressed teenagers,' of whom, she could smell one's Armani perfume and in the end it says 'he moved away from the city, but i still remember that night and wish that wasn't the end" (not her exact words but you get the gist). The following describes my expression perfectly as she progressed through the passage.

=_= --> o_O ---> O_O ---> WTF?

(Maybe I should have renamed the post to "Of Desi Erotica. Fiction or Perverted Comedy?")

Back to the topic, she put me through my paces and made me recall alot of that buried trivia. Not fun. And call me old-fashioned, but I never expected to have such a convo with her.

Anyways, by the looks of it, I've started rambling. Don't blame me, its 4 am. and there's a mosquito filled with my blood poking its proboscis through the laptop's speakers.

Come to think of it, she’s still got that innocence with her, though it's slightly diminished, but what-the-heck!

[Hope this kept you entertained for a while. :) ]

Of Living in a New Country

At least I wouldn't have to fret about being run-over/shot/mugged whenever I go out of my house...

Not that it bothers me after living in the same conditions for over 5 years. Though a change would be nice!

Of.......

This is torture.

Imagine you trying to sleep in the hot afternoon with a throbbing headache. There is no light because KESC is being KESC. The generator is out of fuel. Just as you manage to fall into deep slumber, this happens:

MAHNOOR! MAHNOOR! MAHNOOR!
TWO PLUS FIVE EQUALS SEVEN!
AAB TUMHARI BAARI.
WHAT... IS... FIVE PLUS.. THREE.. DIVIDED BY THREE MULTIPLIED BY SEVEN EQUALS??

(Huge text? That's just for you to get an idea of how annoying it sounded. Don't think it's annoying? Should I color it in Bright Pink?)(So it's not pink... SUE ME!)

Now, since there was no electricity, hence no fan, hence my window was the only source of ventilation, which spider-maasi left open.

So in my sleepy stumbly state, I walked over to the window to see who or what was the source of the commotion and I saw a little girl talking to a her neighbour friend who was on the other side of the wall. Stupid Girl! Have they not heard of "play-date" or "day-spend"

Btw, this scenario has been happening quite often recently. Once upon a time in december, I'd be spared from the yelling for atleast 4-5 days a week. Now... EVERY BLOODY DAY THEY REVISE HALFASSED MATH!

I yell at them and their teenage aaya sticks her tongue out at me.

Oh, Spider Maasi is:

Spider-Maasi, Spider-Maasi, Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Maasi!
Can she swing from a web? No she can't! She's a Maasi!

Of a Haircut

Today, I went to get my hair cut.

Yes, it was a big deal. See, I haven't gone for one ever since September.

So, I scrounged up cash for the thing, and got one. Now my barber (whom I have to tip to stop him from screwing up) turns out is a desperate person. Okay, so its either him or the entire shop, since he was constantly trying to convince me to get a "facile". Then, he made a combo deal, buy the facile and get the head massage free.

Woah!.... NO WAY. (and not interested)

THOSE BLOODY TWEEPS ADDED Rs.10/- TO THE CUT! NOW IT'S 70! THAT'S MEAN!

Speaking of barbers, I wish they had used spell check when making their banners.
(With signs like these, do you blame me for going for a haircut after 5 months?

Hairs? Hairs? Hair has no Plural!
_______________________________________________
This here, is "Raiser's" Edge's window.....
Body Shop Facile? Fruit Facile? Whiting Facile? Harbal Facile?
(If memory serves, facile is a synonym for easy.
Hence it would read as: Body Shop Easy, Fruit Easy... lets leave it at there.)


And even if they do use Spell Check, get someone educated to at least proof read your text before you get your banner/shop-sign printed.

Second line: Here Salon. (Yes, I can see it's here... so... if we follow this train of logic all your advertisements would point to a map and say There Salon?

And the best so far... (thanks to Shani)
If Sweeny Todd was Pakistani, you'd find him here. Apt name for the establishment too! Good Luck we don't kill you. Good Luck we don't screw up your hair-do.

And the Ficial! Honestly. You don't need a war to win over Pakistan, just make the 14 million people of our country solve an English paper each. Focus on Grammar and Spelling and you'll conquer us.

Maybe I should start putting up the various essays I've collected from work over the last two years... that could be enjoyable?

Of The Way I See It: KESC's "Load-Shedding"

So, I've finally figured out why KESC keeps cutting off our light. and believe it or not, I had to do some serious digging up to find out why.

After hours and hours of work, I finally figured out the cause for KESC's behaviour:


Yes, It is in fact this seemingly pointless looking statue at the Underpass in Clifton. Notice how the entire thing is in rusty red and angular yet the center loop is rounded and greyish?

Apparently, when it was designed, it was supposed to be a tribute to KESC's might (Think Saddam's Statue in Bagdad - Iraq) The shady heads at KESC wanted a solid monument that would strike fear and awe in the hearts of Nazimabadis and Cliftonites alike. They wanted a place where people would leave offerings in their honor, prostrate and grovel for a decrease in "Bijli ke Rate"

Yet, once again, proving that Pakistani's are the reason Murphy's Law exists, the constructors misread the original blueprint. The original one was ... wait! I might have a picture of it....
Yes, The rusty red part was simple enough. However, the blue electrical/lightning bolt that would prove to everyone that this statue was in honor of KESC, it could not be comprehended by the 6 metalworkers hired by KESC. To them, may it be a lightning bolt or a noodle, all looked the same. So they made a noodle. and coloured it grey.

Now these 6 metalworkers were from all the different parts of Karachi. On the day of the unveiling, amidst the gasps of shock and awe and the occasional kid going "Mommy! Mommy! That middle thing looks like my ****" (we had to censor it for commercial reasons) The metalworkers discovered that they had made a fatal mistake, and just as the KESC assassins (Who are always near the KESC Heads) were closing in on them, they hopped into Shani (a bus) and drove for their lives on a leisurely speed of 35 Km/h.

The metal workers then decided to abandon their homes and take their families into hiding.

(Up till now you must be wondering how this relates to the Light going off for 2 hours at a time... patience, my little cicada)

Now, with their Karachi dominating plan ruined, along with the ton of stationery and business cards printed with their new logo (which was to be launched a few days after the unveiling as it was a lightning bolt between two prongs.) The Heads of KESC decided to flush the metal workers out, who were currently scattered all over Karachi. So, thus began the torture of KESC's "Load-shedding"

Their twisted logic made them think that if they deprive the citizens of their beloved electricity, they in turn would hand over the metalworkers to KESC. Therefore, areas suspected to have the metalworkers hiding, have considerably less hours of electricity as compared to areas where they don't think the metalworkers are hiding.

You might say, If for example there is none of the 6 metalworkers hiding in Defence Phase VIII why do we, the people living in Phase VIII have to suffer. Think about it, you cannot be sure. They might be your neighbour, or their newly hired middle-aged live in servant. You are NEVER SURE! So, till the metalworkers are captured, we shall continue to endure darkness.

I implore you, if you are reading this... give yourselves in... please!

Of Cola Powered "Su~pah"-ness

I wanna be a Cola-Powered Cyborg!

[cries] Dobebaaaa [/cries]

Of a Nagging Question

So, it's 5:32

As in, the moment I started typing this post.

I can't sleep. I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling while pondering over this oh-so-important question

Why does a pepper shaker have more holes on it than a salt shaker? Why the biasness?

(this seemed apt for this post... somehow)

I even Google-d it up. Didn't find any reason why! Stupid salt shakers.

Also, apparently I'm "awesome" . . . Next time, could you give me a reason as well because I can't remember any awesome thing done by me in the last week. Unless you count snapping that picture with the cat in it...

Highly Irrelevant to my post, but . . . ITS 5:30 AM.. DON'T EXPECT RELEVANCE FROM ME!

Of Spellcheck

For some reason, I don't trust Firefox's spell check.

I mean, I've always had this gut feeling whenever I encounter a wrong spelling or grammar. Yet, Firefox does not assure me. See, if I spell Nostradamus (which is my first time spelling it since I usually call him Noddy) and there's no squiggly red line under it. I will add random letters after it just to check if the spelling is right or not.

Weird huh?

Of Well, Whatever. :-)

I was tricked, decieved, and I was in the company of someone amazing! No, I didn't go to Shahrukh's sister's wedding again (he has 4) Hence this is not about wedding food.

I was supposed to meet a couple of friends at Park Towers, however, they forgot about me and I ended up spending two hours roaming PT and Kothari Parade. But! Roamed alone I did not! I met this wonderful lady who was waiting for her car. (Yes! She was wonderful because she was waiting for her car) If you believed the brackets, you are an idiot!

To the lovely lady who kept me company while I waited for people who would never show up: Thanks. Dunno if you will be able to read it or not, but I had a great time. If possible, I'd love to meet you again sometime soon. I'd love to continue our conversation on Gulzar, Corriander and Sparkplugs! Also, you saved me from pretending to be sparkly shalwar-kameez clad family's adopted brother. For that, I'm eternally thankful.

To the idiots who stood me up: I would have planned horrible ways to torture you for sending me on this wild goose chase, however, I don't care anymore.

To the lovely lady again: Sorry if all of this sounds creepy. Ah well, I had enough chances to creep you out during the last two hours. As for the arm, it's better now. :)

With that, I bid you all farewell.

Today did turn out to be a great day!

Of Deadpool's Skin

YAY! Today I got my Self-Healing Mat! It's the coolest thing ever! I've been busy hacking away at it for the entire day and not a scratch on it.

For those of you who don't know what that is, It's a special type of craft mat that's got one (or both in my case) side covered in a special rubber that glues itself back together after being cut... kinda like Deadpool or Wolverine's skin. Sadly, if you scoop a bit out, more doesn't grow on it's place.

Oh well, what not if a couple of scars to tell tales of a person's (or object's) torture!